Thursday, February 24, 2011

Sighs. Its been a busy month, very busy. At the same time its been full in many new ways. We where able to settle into a rental after moving twice in one week. It is a big beautiful house that has given us enough space to create a proper home. Getting a proper home and a solid schedule has been huge for Ellowyn. She started sleeping through the night earlier this week and has since hit the biggest growth spurt we have seen, and eats more then ever as well.

We just found out last week that I cannot carry anymore children safely. Its hard especially being in a area with so many large families (religious community with large Amish and Mexican families). I cannot go out without seeing multiple pregnant woman. Ellowyn would do well with a sibling, but I can't give it too her. I can barely care for her and some days I can't care for her properly due to my back injury. It progressed severely over the years and especially due to my pregnancy with her. We found out that there are no reliable treatment options and that carrying another child would mean more bedrest and possibly cutting of nerves to my legs.... Aaron is set on hiring a surrogate if we find the right one, and if I don't get too bad in the mean time we could have another child when Ellowyn is in Kindergarten and largely able to take care of herself. I have enrolled in school and will finish my associates and possibly my bachlors in the mean time while we wait and see. I will probably take a break for the first year of the next one's (if there is a next one) life and then go back for my Masters. I have nothing else to do right now. I can't be a proper house wife, as I can't keep up with the house so that pretty much means I have to go to school and then work as I can't just do nothing. The tricky thing is figuring out a field that I can do from a wheelchair as there is a good chance I could end up in one in the next 20years. I hope that treatement options improve before that happens, but I know better then to count on a unknown. So far I am thinking design. I can no longer go into mortuary sciences as I had wanted to as that isn't something I can work from a wheelchair, and can't work well at all (too much bending, lifting, twisting, ect) in my present condition.

I don't like it when life changes on me like that, but there never where any guarentee's. I had totally trusted the doctors saying that becasuse I was young my disks wouldn't degenerate for now, and if they did not much. I never thought I would go for a visit to a Chiropractor and be faced with the stark image on a x-ray of my spine, a image radically different from the last, and a image that told me all I needed to know. The chiropractor thought he could help me with the techniques they use, but I have been unable to find any "real" success stories and since they aren't licensed to use the machine that they use, and since it is a new very new and unproven treatment I can have no confidence in it and cannot risk the possible damage it could do. The thought of being strapped into a table to flex my back, and knowing that flexing and strain currently hurt my back, common sense tells me that it doesn't make any sense. So, I am left without any real treatments. There is surgery but no one that I know who has had it (and I know allot of people who have) had success, in fact the only reviews you find are negative. So, no babies and possible paralysis lowerlevel style. I know that degenerative disks don't normally cause paralysis but its the hernia and the way it is pinching nerves due to blunt trama on a disk that is degenerate that worries me. I am already feeling some numbness and showing signs of nerve inhibition so if anything happens to cause more herniation or if the disk degenerates funky....the whole thing is just messed up. At least I already know wheelchairdom pretty well. Its not so bad except for not being able to go on walks through the woods or feel the dirt in your toes....maybe if it happens then by then I will be able to convince Aaron to carry me.

I have decided to take back up designing and making dresses for a hobby to keep me busy in the summer while little one is busy playing outside. I feel like it would be good to get that energy out, who knows maybe it could turn into something. I haven't had the opportunity to really delve into it much before because of lack of funds for material, but I have always been creating with fabric on what scale I could. I found wholesale fabric and it will be fun to see what I can come up with. I am thinking about doing modest prom dresses. It would be fun :)

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