Thankfully Ellowyn went down very easily, she ate while trying to put on her shoe (her latest endeavor of co-ordination now that she mastered unscrewing the doorknobs of the china cabinets - did I mention she is only 14months old?), and then wanted to nurse and fell asleep pretty much right away.

So, back to what I was saying about obsessions. I feel enriched by having something I am driven to do. I would normally gain a skill or better one I already have (playing the piano, making new clothes out of old ones, or learning the violin), but those require money. I don't have a piano, can't afford to fix my violin or get lessons, and can't afford a sewing machine. So instead I try and learn something. I feel very good about how to raise a family now that I am through the first season of 17 and counting, so that obsession has died down especially with my tv time being limited. So, designing my future house is something I feel is useful, exciting, and the fact that it will help us when we build it is pretty awesome. Once I have the design down more I am going to learn more about how to actually build them, figure out where to get the discounted materials (besides habitat for humanity stores), price it out, and then build a time-line for project completion based off of a estimate of Aaron's salary once he gets work. This became much more exciting after I found out that he got a interview!!!!!! So, as you can see its a good application of my brain and skills I wouldn't use otherwise if I didn't plan and re-plan life and learn about whatever strikes my fancy. This has saved me allot of money as it is how I learned to make soap, found out about community supported agriculture (csa), found a good csa to subscribe too, found the best tools for finding Aaron a job, found out how to remake clothes from goodwill to look like new, narrowed down my degree options, found a school that I could take classes for said degree options online, figured out how to pay for said school, and many many more things. I wonder if Aaron spent more time like I do and less time gaming if we would turn into this amazing super efficient unstoppable couple, or if we would be so nuts that we would drive each other over the brink of insanity. Probably brink of insanity.

Other good news, I finally got a number for a funeral director who is willing to talk to me! I am anxious and nervous as its his cell phone and he sounds really happy to answer all of my questions. I keep telling myself that I can do this! I haven't been able to go to school for a long time and last time I was there I had to drop out of two semesters in a row due to health, so its a big thing to go back. I think I have picked the right field though, to becoming a mortician. Ultimately only time will tell though.

Ah, today I have fully realized my new obsession. Aaron thinks I am crazy for having obessions, and I think he is crazy to think that I can go through life without them. Really if I don't have something to apply my mind to it is going to become mush. I am a natural Mom, totally connect with my daughter and she is coming up on milestones earlier then normal so no need to read up there, so what else am I going to do with my brain? So, these little obessions give me something to plug into, think about, analyze, and hopefully benefit from :) So, my latest obession is the small house movement, as you may have guessed from last night :) Totally in love with the idea of being able to design my own home, twice! That and being able to keep the little one as a in-laws cabin will be great for both me and the in-laws when they come to visit to see the babies. I like babies I have decided, fully used to the no sleep and want as many as I can afford and handle health wise, so if I can get my back fixed and make it rich watch out world! I figure it only helps with any future world domination plans, j/k.
More later, little one needs to go to bed. I thought I had more time, but then again I didn't look at the clock before I sat to write. I am just finishing up the last few minutes of reprieve that my Mother in law offered by taking the baby. These breaks are few and far in-between, so I definitely lived it up! Lol, with being a tired Mom (we all have colds, yuck) that meant actually getting to watch tv and use the computer un-interupted.

Today is a day of many headaches, literally and figuratively. As soon as we got up we had people come over. I didn't bother hiding that it was 11am and we where just having breakfast, the headache there came from Ellowyn. She has decided that she needed to act like she was on a sugar rush all day and constantly run to get into things. She has started to thrive on negative attention me thinks, me thinks it is because of that stooopidddd!!!! Christmas tree. Again, in case you didn't catch it I am not a fan of the holidays. They put plastic ornaments on her level, but they get on her case for taking them off, or turning off the tv, or eating the dogs food, and allot of other things. So, all during my visit of new peoples I had just met at church yesterday (lovely people, really enjoyable) Ellowyn decided to try for negative attention. It continued all day, which resulted in a real headache (probably from lack of food, hard to eat and keep up with her), which headache worsened when I fell down the stairs with her when I was taking her to bed. Can't sleep now, lucky for you this means I have had more time to look up stuff and actually might have something interesting to say!

So, as you now by now my new obsession is with Netflix and the tv show 17 and Counting of the Duggard family. I went onto their website and found that they pay for everything with cash, including they built there 9,000sq ft house with cash. This really intrigued me when I saw Jim Bob (love the name) asking how people could live with debt because they will pay 10-15% more then he will. I always knew that was true but never really thought about it because we always here that a mortgage is "good debt". It only took me a second to realize how rediculous this sounds, really its "good" to owe someone money and have to pay interest on it plus loan origination fee's plus house inspection fees plus fees and more and more fees to get a mortgage. I started thinking about it and realized that this nation wasn't built and didn't become prosperous off of borrowing money to do things and then expecting that thing to be sucessful, this is a relatively new phenonemon in this nation and since it became widespread our economy has slowly been tanking. How much better would this nation be if it had never taken on debt? Where did this come from? I think it probably was around ww2 when everyone was coming home from war at the same time and had jobs but needed housing, and probably spread into other facets of life as it became easier and easier to owe money. Our parents became spoiled (I am in my 20's), and now we are paying for it and our children will be as well. So, how would one do it exactly? I don't exactly know, I am still figuring all the details out but I found a few that are the beginning of my road map to not ever taking out a loan. Micro houses are a new trend, makes sense. People used to build log cabins on land they bought and live in those until they could afford a real house unless they inherited one (referencing little house on the prairie and other historic novels that where popular when I was a child). One can build a cabin, or cottage for $10-30k. Its small but extremely energy efficient.

So, my plan:
I am going to continue making my own soaps and shopping at Trader Joes so I can eat and live cheaply. Cell phone is turning off on the 13th. Car insurance is going down in coverage and we will just be extremely cautious drivers. Clothing (except pants) will continue to come from the thrift store and be remade to look new (I sew and like to create). When Aaron gets a job we will move close to work to cut on gas and get a cheep but not hole in the wall apartment for a year. We will save money and start looking for property in the area for cheap, hopefully find some foreclosed property or someone looking to sell off extra land. We will then start to build by hand with the help of brothers as we can get it, a micro house style cottage. I figure all in all by designing it to fit my needs and whims we will be able to cut the kitchen down to nill and make the bathroom mostly shower/tub with a toilet and sink squished in. This will leave the rest for a huge living area with the upstairs being a loft bedrooms set up with three rooms (walls in-between I need privacy). If I build the clothing cubbord with a place to hang nice clothes into the walls, that leaves only needing a bed in the room and a small shelf for a night stand type thing with space for the shoes underneath. I think I could make it feel pretty roomy doing this and end up with 600-800 sq ft but have it feel much bigger thanks to not wasting space. I will have to do research on how to make it energy efficient and make the electricity work without being on the grid, but people are doing it so I know it can be done. This was by the end of our lease that first year we should have our own house to stay in that won't cost really anything utility wise because we will be off the grid, or using very little from it if we decide to be on it. Then we can just save save save save until we have enough to build a house. This will eliminate all the extra utilties and expenses that come with renting (it is always cheaper to buy vrs rent), and all the fee's and interest that comes with buying a house. Also if everything goes kaput and we end up jobless again we will not have to move back in with the inlaws because we will be able to garden more and use our house savings to live off of until we find work again. This feels amazing just writing about it. Thinking about not ever having the stress of not being able to make rent or a house payment, of always having a place to live unless there is a natural disaster, and being able to have money in the bank instead of living paycheck to paycheck. I watched my parents live paycheck to paycheck and now they can't sell there house. Seriously though who would buy it? Thats the problem with houses they get old and then no one wants them so they just build somewhere else, and take up more forest which hurts the ecosystem even more. Seriously where are we going to be able to hunt or go to breath if this keeps up!? I love taking walks in the woods, but the farms destroyed most of what Michigan had and now the farms are being turned into housing complexes and the old houses sit vacant or with residents will be vacating within the next 10years except for the select few that will be kept as historical houses. Really!? I am so glad that so many people now are seeing the foolishness in this and looking towards more sustainable options. I think we should all look into them really. I would much rather have a new little cottage and then be able to build a nice new house then to spend my hard earned dollars on a old house that is just getting older while I try to pay the fee's and interest I agreed to so I could have it. Sounds much better.
Moving on down my plan I would hope that by living frugally until we are comfortable with our savings and we have a plan that will for sure make it so we can retire and help our children that we will then be able to get the nice things that we would have not paid attention too during this process. I wouldn't plan to go completely without. Once we have our little house I would hope that we would have enough work to provide our needs and extra so we could save but also vacation and have a few extra's here and there. Every retiree I have spoke to lately have all said that by the time they retired they where too and achy to enjoy the vacations and experiences they thought they would have in retirement. So, logic dictates to enjoy life now by taking what experiences and vacations one can, so as to not leave anything to chance and be able to truly say that I lived life to its fullest. This way if it works out that I can travel after I retire, well good for me I will have had double the vacations I would have gotten if I would have just waited until then :-) Reminds me of one of my favorite quotes, don't remember who its from but they said that they wanted to show up to the pearly gates of heaven with tires squealing and rubber burning in there convertible to step out covered in little children smudges from playing with grandchildren and helping little ones with lunch, hair a mess, and screaming "wooohooo what a ride!"

Sadly today a true tragedy occurred. You see after having a bad headache and bloating due to finding out the hard way that Digorno pizza's have too much sodium in them for my taste I went to find true comfort in a home made chocolate milkshake - my one true comfort in times like this. After getting all the ice cream scooped out and my heart and mind set on this wonderful treat, I couldn't find the chocolate sauce. I searched high and low, and then even lower.....it was in the trash can. No Aaron didn't play some cruel joke and put it there. It was Ellowyn. I know like how can a one year old get into the fridge, well this is where it becomes partially my fault. When I need to pee in peace or am worried that someone is going to come downstairs while I am peeing with the bathroom door open, or am otherwise needing a moment to finish something I let Ellowyn have a extra moment of playing in the refrigerator while I quickly finish my business. Well, one of those times I thought I might have heard a plop into the trash can and quickly dismissed it for footsteps upstairs, sadly here ended the short life of my chocolate sauce. This wasn't just any chocolate sauce it was the Trader Joe's Organic Midnight Moo, the best tasting closest to real sauce I have ever tasted due to just being chocolate sugar and cream. Sighs. Aaron got on my case for considering it a tragety when real people die every day and sometimes in mass. I just had to point out that I have no emotional connection to these people and I do have emotional connection to my chocolate sauce due to my longing for it, and therefore I didn't see his point. Shallow? I think not, you see I used to care and be sad when bad things happened and I saw it on the news, but then it started taking up way to much energy and causing me to have this constant dismal view of the world due to all the bad that happens. So, now I just say - too bad it sucks to be you - or me whoever the real tragety is happening too (yes I have also said that about personal losses), and now save my emotions for controllable losses like chocolate sauce (its always easy to get back and never turns its back on you). Life is soo much easier this way. Laugh if you must, I find it true.

Other then that today was a pretty good day. Met some cool people at church and had Ellowyn take herself off my hands playing with the people and children at church. Then we finished out the evening with a epic movie - Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy. For Christmas I will have to rent that from the library and inform Aaron that his present to me - if he so chooses to give it - is the time to read the book. As of now I have no such time. Keeping this place spotless with Ellowyn running around like crazy takes all the time that I have. I think that might actually be the best Christmas gift I have gotten.

Sighs. Thanksgiving. I actually had a few things to be grateful for. We spend all of Wednesday at Aaron's friends house. This friend has a awesome girlfriend with a great little six year old and some of the best parents I have ever met. It was like a breath of fresh air to just be able to hang out, eat a good meal without having to chase Ellowyn, and get honest candid advice from an older couple who I could tell really cared about us. Ellowyn also loved having so much attention, and Paula read her stories, and Noah (the other kid) to watch and follow. It was so lovely. Then we got home and the stress of the holidays hit, I mean seriously give me a break! So I hid in the basement for the rest of the night watching Astro Boy (great movie). Thanksgiving itself was pretty depressing. We spend Friday night at the same friends house. Aaron went to the lan Halo Reach party in the basement and I blissfully settled into watching happy feet while Elllowyn wandered about, played with the tupper ware, chased the cats, played with the cats with Paula (the mom), was read stories by Paula, and played with by John (the Dad). It was soooo nice, no stress total chilaxing. If only I could come up with reasons to go over there often, sadly the friend goes back to school today. As it is I am grateful for the break.

I do have a new fasination though. We got Netflix working on the wii and found that Ellowyn will not let me watch more then a few minutes at a time, so watching movies on it was out (astro boy ended up being a constant battle of keeping her entertained). So, of nessesity I had to find a tv show to watch. I ended up deciding upon 17 and counting, the first season of the Duggard family show. I am totally hooked. For being someone who is against the reality tv craze I am humbled to say that I am honestly grateful for this show. I do not have a great example to follow, and so to be able to see a good family who did homeschooling the right way with good values and peace and harmony and how they live there lives is really wonderful. I just hope Netflix has 7th Heaven, because for some reason watching shows about good family makes me happy. Its like a drug, something to make me feel better and tell me that I too can have a happy family and give me some pointers to help. Its like this big banner that says "you too can have a good family - even if yours had problems". Its funny because I didn't even know how much I needed this until after I started watching it. Its funny how sometimes you don't even know what is stressing you out entirely until you find solutions. I was able to be so much happier and carefree with Ellowyn and she totally loved it, I guess I just needed that hope. That hope that says that everything can work out and that little glimpse of what life can be like when lived properly.

One last little note about going cell phone less. Verizon wouldn't let me shut mine off before the beginning of the next billing cycle. So, it shuts off on the 13th of December. I don't think I will miss it. I already have pretty much stopped using it and don't even know where it is half of the time.

Just a quick post. I am stealing time away from getting ready to go see friends we never get to see, well Aaron's friend. The holidays will do that too you, biggest time sucking waste of time. Sorry, guess I should have warned you first that I really don't like the holidays.

Just a few intestesting stories. First I had a nice success Monday. Went shopping and found a pair of pants that fit perfectly, the best part - they are a size 4! woot woot! Now if only this wasn't achieved due to large amounts of stress, which leads to not eating, and a one year old to chase after. :/ Bitter sweet.

I have been having weird dreams lately. Night before last I was in a different reality and ended up starting to go after a Chinese guy that looked just like Aaron after my fiance cheated on me with my best friend and I caught them. Kinda wonder if life would have been like that if I had gone to a university like I did in the dream. Last night I kept on getting stuck in airports but never being able to get to my plane while Aaron keep leaving me behind because I couldn't get there. This is my restless soul dream, totally makes me crave flying. Wish to heaven that the airlines weren't so corrupt and that I would have been paid enough as a flight attendant to survive so I could have kept that job. I would have had a nice line by now (line = guaranteed schedule). Makes me miss flying terribly. I actually started thinking about trying to find someone to sponsor me taking lessons in exchange for a contract, or a scholarship for a minority (not many females pilots), so I can fly freight like I dreamed I would for many many years. Who knows, maybe it will happen someday. If only the price of gas wasn't so high, then I would be able to afford to pay for that part of the lessons (which fasfa doesn't cover). I just need to meet the right people.

Writing last not was just not going to happen. Lets just say that my day came to a close with Ellowyn showing us that she wasn't feeling well.

I spent a good deal of time yesterday trying to come up with a way to effectively deal with the two face people in life, as I am especially irritated that I have to deal with one regularly. I thought of all the possibilities morally just and otherwise as I wasn't plotting as much as I was trying to figure out what would truly make the most miserable in exchange for them trying to make others miserable and having amazingly huge egos. I realized after much thought that the best way to deal with them is simply following the golden rule which has been around for centuries. When I explained why to the missionaries who came over last night they where like "what do you know God was right, who would have thought", lol. Really though think about it. Two facers are completely bent on manipulating and getting there way, they think they are above everyone else and if they are manipulated in anyway they just either blame it on a life circumstance (like I would have saw that coming if:___) or take it as a challenge to try even harder to manipulate to prove their superiority. I find them to be some of the most despicable people on the planet as they are neither bad no good but both at different times and always try to paint themselves as good even though mostly they are not. So, why then is the golden rule the best way? Because no manipulator see's themselves as truly bad, just making the world a better place by controlling it to what they see as best, and asserting themselves in every way as alpha. So, by ignoring their tricks and just being the best person one can be when they are around not only can they not manipulate you and you end up being a weird constant that will drive them insane by not being controlable, but you will also be shining this great big light of goodness that will be such a contrast to the darkness a two facer brings that they will have to see (even if they refuse to acknowledge it) for at least a moment how dark they are, then they will have that short thought about being bad, and if they have those thoughts enough it will start to unravel them. For instance I know one that constantly complains about dinner and the house being out of order, and then tries to plant thoughts in peoples heads that I am crazy while hunnying up to me to make me think he is my best friend. So, I avoid him so he can't get any thoughts that he is close to me and knows I am on to his game. I always compliment on dinner, thanks and speak out every time he criticizes - for two reasons so he looks like a butt and has to see that he does to everyone else too, and even if that fails and he thinks he can paint me as a kiss up then he still will have lost control of the mood of the table. I keep the house to my order and am constantly loving and cheerful enough to the other residents that he gains no win in getting his order and his trying to paint me as a crazy loses its hold as I will be acting in a constant caring manor to everyone. This way he loses control while I do not lose any credibility and have no bad karma coming to bite me later. I really strongly dislike this specific individual but in the end he will not change his ways, and this way he has to realize that he isn't good - even if for a moment and that will be able to haunt him during his low moments for the rest of his life, and that is better then any act of outward hate (like putting dog food in his car wet so it smells like dog, or laxatives in his food). As much fun as it might have been to mess with him in other ways, I would rather haunt him for the rest of his life. You may think this is a horribly synical reason to follow the golden rule and do unto others as I want done to myself - but it has a positive side effect in that it will bring light to a very bad situation. Don't worry I will pray for him too. I don't want anyone to live the miserable lonely life he is setting himself up for and would rather that he change, and so I will do my best to help him change :)

As for today its just been a day of taking care of a sick child and finishing moving in. By the time I am done there won't be a thing out of place, thankfully, and I will finally have the spotless kind of place that looks slightly lived in that I like to have. After a day like today (both Ellowyn and Aaron being extremely grumpy, feeling under the weather myself but still having to clean thanks to fricken thanksgiving - dislike holidays), I definitely deserve every calorie of the humongous brownie ice cream sundae I am about to go make. The best legal high ever is a sugar buzz after all :)

No the little one didn't stay up late, she fell asleep at 8:20pm, yes I shouldn't have stayed up to watch the newest Star Trek movie. In all seriousness though, I really really liked the movie. It is now resting in its place amongst my beloved Star Trek movies. I hadn't seen it for fear that it would tarnish my fondness for good ol James T Kirk movies and Spock, and am glad to report the contrary. Reminds me that I need to que up Dr. Who on Netflix, and get Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy (book) from the library. All these things that I will enjoy doing once life settles down - do I hear laughing? Oh you don't believe that my life will ever settle down? Well you are probably right. The problem being I have always been busy or pushing myself to achieve something and wonder if I can do anything different then what I know. Point in case, I am going back to school instead of being solely a stay at home Mom, and infact only did that without working with no moving involved for just a few short months. You see I believe in bettering myself continually, thank God Aaron is a goof ball (literally Thank You God), otherwise I don't know if my natural tenancy to push myself to succeed and strive to great heights would have killed me yet, or at least given me more gray hairs (I only have two, yes you can be jealous if you have more) - and seeing as how I cannot dye my hair due to my chlorine sensitivity I can't have any of those.

Today was actually a pretty darn good day. Ellowyn actually slept last night, 7.5hrs in a row and then another 4 leaving me with a 6 hr stretch I haven't seen in awhile. I felt like a new person having actually gotten sleep. I tried to ruff house with her all morning, but she was more intent on being curious and figuring things out. I did get some laughs and chases, but could only capture her attention for long if I had something to show her how to do. We went shopping in which she acted like the queen of the store, appropriately seeing as how people did end up treating her like she was - so why would she think different. Waving to everyone from the cart like it was her carriage after she had careful surveyed her kingdom. I found the books I was looking for at the dollar store which was also a awesome find. Almost as awesome that Aaron's thesis cleared his adviser and as long as the science prof gives her all clear (it was already checked by a physics major so I don't see it not clearing), then Aaron will be done with his thesis!!! yay!!! Tomorrow he gets to write the rest of a 10page paper and then his undergrad career is over! Woot!!

I did of course save the best story of the day for last. While watching the movie Aaron cuddled Joy per normal (he always cuddles her while watching a movie if I am otherwise occupied), and after playing with Ellowyn for awhile I went over and sat on Aaron (more or less half laid on him so I didn't disturb the dog, heaven knows she's been through enough lately she deserved to relax). It took less then a minute for Ellowyn to follow and want up on my lap to get to the doggy. She starts gently petting Joy while Joy quietly growls at her - its like there ritual that normally then escelates to hard hit like petting and Joy. This time was different, after Ellowyn gentle pets her for a moment she tenderly leaves one hand on the side of Joy's head, leans in, and gently kisses her on the side of the nose. Joy looks startled and then lovingly looks at Ellowyn and kisses her on the lips, (everyone was looking at the baby at this point after Aaron exclaimed that she kissed Joy) to which Ellowyn then again gently leans in and kisses the dog right on the lips. It was perfect like she had kissed hundreds of times when in reality I have only gotten two and Aaron only one and that is all she has ever given before. My Mother in law cries out in shock and says "what about me?" (she has yet to get one), Ellowyn is sitting there laughing now while the rooms gazes turn back to the screen because something pivotal is happening when I hear another kiss and see Ellowyn bend down and kiss Joy a third time on the side of the neck. Did I mention that Joy is a dog? The dog has now gotten as many kisses as the rest of us combined, and Ellowyn proved (and found it funny aparently to do so) that she does not only know how to kiss but also understands the concept and withholds them purposely for her own reasons. I have the best little girl! That was the most amazing way to prove a point, make a show, and have everything clear without using a single word. I wonder what she thinks of her Grandma when Grandma would make a show begging for a kiss as if Ellowyn didn't understand what she was asking, I wonder if Ellowyn was like "wow, that's stupid" or "wow good effort but no". Probably none of the above. I wonder if she even thinks in words yet or just concepts and feelings. I must believe its concepts and feelings because she is still asking for words for things. She is totally my child :) I am just glad that I innately knew she knew how to kiss and would just ask for them not beg :) She did give me one when I was really sad once, and the first time was during a outpouring of love from me. Such a wonderful little wonder.

Thankfully little one fell alseep early today. Heaven knows she deserved it. After running around and creating havoc all day I go downstairs to eat leaving her in the care of her father. 20mins later he is leaving her outside of the bathroom door telling me she is wet and goes back upstairs. I had heard this of course because brother in law came home and found her, and loudly told Aaron what he found. Turns out the sneaky little sweetheart had been so quiet playing in the dogs water dish, and re-arranging the dog crates that Aaron thought I must have taken her downstairs with me. The funny part of the story is that she knocks on the bathroom door several times and several times I say "hi sweetheart", so the last time she knocks she knocks and then says "hi sweatwhat" So cute, she tried so heard to mimic sweetheart and got pretty close :) It made my entire day! She is getting into the stage where she is too confident in her movements and bonking her head allot, which is what prompted the early bedtime in part. After giving her head a real good knock she curled up in my arms for comfort and nursed, only to get tired and fall asleep doing so. I had checked her for concussions so no problem there, and it was late enough, 9:30 and she was going going going up until she hit her head. It was cute what she was trying to do when she did it. She was running with a couch pillow clutched to her chest (perfect size as it covers her chest down to mid calf) and then fell onto it (purposely of course for the fun of running and falling onto a pillow, can't say I haven't been guilty of it), but the tragedy came when she fell too close to the couch and hit her head on the solid wood frame of the couch. We got a bit of time at home as just a family while brother in law was at school and inlaws where out looking at cars, so naturally I start a tickle war with Aaron. Ellowyn laughed with me the whole time, but only when I got tickled never when she got tickled :) After this all dies down we end up in the computer room and I was tired and slouching comfortably leaving my stomach exposed when Ellowyn walks up to me and wants to be held, so I pick her up and she then proceeds to blow raspberries on my stomach!! She did it and I laughed so hard that she had to stop mid breath and look up at me smiling and laughing with me. The best part is her little dimples and belly laugh. She continued to blow raspberries on my stomach until Aaron picked her up and blew one on her to "show her how its done", sadly she then lost interest and went toddling out of the room. I don't know what is sweeter - her calling me sweetheart, or falling asleep in my arms while nursing and cuddling, or blowing raspberries on me. I am completely convinced now that I have the rights to one of (if not the) the cutest sweetest little angel in the world.

Another bright spot came to my day when someone emailed me a job posting for holiday help working from home answering calls for Harry and David's (a expensive fruit gift service). I have the qualifications, as I worked a call center job from home while on bed rest with Ellowyn, so I am pretty hopeful that I get it. It would be soooo nice. $9 a hour, but at home so I can watch over whoever is watching Ellowyn and take my breaks snuggling her. It would really help our budget as Aaron hasn't been working enough and we can't stop bills like car insurance from coming. Hopefully it works out that Aaron is the one that gets a job soon, but I would be glad to work in the mean time to make it easier to wait. He had a job that he was referred to by someone from church that he qualifies for, so I have some hope that he may get a interview. Reminds me of "Fun with Dick and Jane", in that he hasn't even been getting interviews and there is no guarantee anymore. Although I would never take to petty crime like they did, I would hope if I ever did in another life it would be done as stylishly as them.

Aaron is almost done with his Thesis!!!! Yay!!!! Cursed Kettering is about to relinquish its hold on my husband and leave him a free man!!!! *does happy dance* Just have to hear back from a prof man to get final approval, and then once he's finished a 10page paper (has 5 pages left) then he will be done with school for the first time in nearly 20years!! Then it is my turn to go back to school for the first time in 6 years, lol. I just hope Aaron gets a job that justifies him taking a few years off of school while he gets work experience. Work experience seems to be the key anymore as I seem to have a easier time being qualified for positions due to my years of experience, while he always falls a bit short. Either way I feel it totally calls for a brownie ice cream sundae party tomorrow. Totally justified.

My brain is mush. Sorry dear readers, but it is true. I will still try to distill my knowledge, funny stories, and random facts.
Five minutes, and still nothing....not a good sign.
Ellowyn woke up, oh well. I guess I will have to try again later.
Peace

Today was a day of good news. I got a email back from Sister (mrs.) Pollock, Sister (missionary) Pollocks Mom and she is totally going to give me the hook up! She knows two funeral directors and will give me their phone numbers. I am way excited. She thinks they will be more then happy to talk to me! Yay for connections! I found out last night that I should be able to start going to St. Petersburg College (they offer classes online for Funeral Sciences and are a normal community college in FL) in January and all the courses I need, including pre-reqs are offered online. Woot woot.

On another note I have come to a new pondering. Kinda weird, but bathrooms. Seriously why is the men's room gross. I used one today (single stall in Trader Joes) and it was like puke ville compared to the women's. My question is 'Do men really not care about bathroom cleanliness or have they been expected not to care to stores don't have to clean as much, or are they really naturally that much dirty, or are they programmed to not care due to what society says, or do they really just not notice?'. I mean really I could understand a little dirtier, but it was totally unkept even as far as repair. Weird. I mean really weird.

Sorry to be so neglectful lately. I have one minor problem you see, its called sleep - or lack there of. I normally write in here during nap time or after she goes to sleep, but I have been falling asleep with her as of late. You know its starting to get too me, this whole lack of sleep thing. Its been over a year and a half since I had a full 8hrs in a row. I've been lucky and gotten six on occasion, but not 8. I wonder if there are any sleep deprivation studies I can volunteer for, maybe even a paying one. I have thought many times about volunteering for medical studies that offer incentives, but that whole breast feeding thing kinda puts a slight strain on that thought.

On a brighter note little one is picking up words like no tomorrow now. Last night the dogs where crowding her while she ate, and I told them to back off - she then walks towards them and says "HEY Sit!", clear as day! Lol! Her first phrase isn't something cute or cuddly, nope its "Hey Sit!", lol so my child! Today she was sleepy early and wanting a nap, so when I told her to say night night to Grandma, she waves bye bye and says "nap". This is surely a child who know what she wants!! Won't kiss anyone (I have only gotten two kisses), will only snuggle when tired, but boy oh boy when she doesn't think you are getting it she will tell you what she wants! I so look forward to taking her to bookstores this week (every day after nap time) until I find the flash card book I am looking for. She could care less about stories now (stopped wanting them after she started crawling), she wants something that does something or where she learns something, so I hope some short stories with real pictures and a flash card book will do the trick. After all when she gets bored, she gets cranky! This child isn't one to want to be sat infront of a tv or other entertainment, she wants action (chase her), learning (teach her how to count), or something that does something (is in love with this Frankenstien doll that dances while it sings "Monster Mash").

We had a bit of a celebration last night, Aaron finished his thesis and sent it in to his professor for a final review before submital! Its kind of funny but that happening made him relax so much more. He was acting allot like his old self this weekend, but after finishing his thesis he was totally even more like his old self! He took the baby without complaint and played with her for hours while she squealed and laughed. She loved it so much that at bed time instead of wanting Mama she called for her Daddy and flirted with him (sand Daddy, Da da da da da, called for him - anything she could say to call him to play with her), until he gave in. This happened about three times before she ended up in our bed playing with Aaron until she fell asleep in his arms :) Only to stir and want her bed which upon reaching she pretty quickly fell back to sleep. :) It was amazing being warm again before I fell asleep because I was able to stay under covers for once. sighs, if only I could be warm every night, or all the time even.

Found something interesting online today. Couchsurfing.org. Totally made me wish I was 22 again, and able to travel. I did get to see allot of places, but would have been able to see so much more with a service like that. It is so awesome the things we can enjoy thanks to the internet.

Yes I know its late. I took a journey today that resulted in 3 hrs 20 min of driving, and coming home late so the baby could sleep on the way. Then joy of all joys after I get home, get her showered. me showered, her fed and put to sleep, myself fed, and finally am totally ready to curl into bed at 1am I walk into my room full of anticipation only to find it reeks to high heaven. sighs. So, now I take my viligance by the door waiting for it to air out after having located and removed the smell. Again being in the basement I can't just leave my door open because there are no blinds on some of the window, and we would end up being blinded by the sun streaming into our room bright and early! So, rather then forfeit several hours of sleep by being woken up early I get to sacrifice more like 30min so the room can air out, air cleaner can run, and my lil one can sleep safe tonight. She is my main concern of course. She is growing and starting to teeth hard core, which only make me all the more concerned for her complete comfort and sleep. She already started to have bad problems today with pain, poor dear. Getting new teeth in never was fun. It was really cute how she used them to do something she couldn't have done before today. I asked that she be given a apple, and instead of slices like I expected she got a whole apple. So she proceeded to bite it, grin out of the pleasure of the tangy taste and juice running down her chubby wonderful chin and then throw it. She squealed and ran after it throwing it again and again like it was a edible ball that tasted like candy. She ended up going through four apples all in all, biting it until it wasn't clean from the floor and had to be replaced. Too cute. oy veh driving long distances is not for me, totally not. I am just so grateful I was able to get some help with my achy self from a friend before I left, my knee was killing me as was my back and head from riding so long in the PT Cruiser - which despite its name was not actually made to be comfortable for cruising - infact it more closely resembles torture for someone of my size. Chrysler definitely lost any future customer in me, lol I'd probably see the symble and run just from the memory.
haha, the one problem with writing at 1:30am is that I can't think. I am sitting here staring at the page with my brain going blank, it seems to want to shut off and I can't get it too agree to stay running for a bit longer. Ah, well - I think it wins. I am turning it off for the night, and the remainder of my vigilance at the door.

Starting Friday I will start a brave new adventure - going without a cell phone for the first time since I was 18 (when I started working and could pay for one), pretty intense I know. I will have a phone on me that will call 911 so I figure I am pretty set. People are shocked when they here, even older people. Its really been a testimate to how easily technology becomes "nessesary" when really it isn't. I had to laugh at a 50yr old today when she asked "how can you go without a cell phone" and I was like "I don't know probably the same way you did when you where my age", lol. I mean seriously with a cute baby like mine I have very little trouble (as I have proven many times) finding a nice old person and asking if they knew where the pay phone is so I can call my husband, they always say there isn't one nearby and hand me there cell while they talk to my toddler. Problem solved in my mind. I am actually looking forward to it, to proving that it can be done. It was my choice to do this, I was like hmmm... $50 a month more to pay down our credit card and be able to get some clothes and toys for myself and the baby, or a cell phone no one ever calls me on - clothes. See very simple, clothes that you need or a cell phone you can do without. No brainer really. Besides I hate being on a contract, locked in on the grid collectors calling me for the medical bills from the accident. Having a cell phone creates this sense of responsibilty I've found, feeling like I have to check for calls, call my husband to let him know when I'll be home (even though he could care less because I am never out for long while he is home), having to txt friends to keep in touch, having to call someone if I get lost instead of figuring it out. All the while I have this black box strapped to my side emitting radio waves that mess with my concentration. I am a nature person by nature and I find it hard to concentrate with a cell phone. I had my phone die on me a few times this week and I found when it was off it was like a relief, I could exercise my ability to feel nature better and meditate while concious easier. I wonder what it would have been like if all the car rides I spent talking to my friend I would have spent thinking and called while I was making dinner or cleaning instead. How much more would I have been able to exercise my mind and soul? Would my perceptions be clearer?
I think so, but I will let you know. Cell phone turns off Saturday.

Other then that I had a kick butt dream the other night, well several but I only have time to speak of one. I was at High School (I never went myself), and was dressed well had several friends when my Mom showed up (not my real Mom) who was very worldly - dressed to the nines hanging on some guy - and gave me a gorgeous gown to wear. We all go outside to find this famous rock star setting up to play (think Aerosmith but young), I walk right up to the lead singer who is shuffling papers and find song names on them. So, I help him pick the songs and he is flattered by my compliments and intrigued by the feelings I describe having while listening and images that come to my head (Caribbean dreams was one). My friends are in awe, my best friend, my best guy friend, my brother in law (which I knew as my future brother in law in the dream but in actuality is my brother in law in life), and my Mom all come up and start talking to us. Then all of a sudden my brother in law says "oh my gawd this is the best dream ever!!!" We all laugh and are like "yeah best dream ever", then we all high five him - put our hands in a pile and pull them upward saying "best dream ever", and then the dream ended. I told my MIL and husband, they laughed and husband will tell brother in law - I wonder what he will say. Lol, like seriously there are many times when I have had dreams like that with people in them that I know in life and then the person I know points out its a dream and then I come to a realization it is. I have often wondered if by some fluke there sub-conscious joined on the same wave length as mine and if they had the same kind of dream. I guess I should have asked, but I haven't. I doubt it with brother in law, like seriously he is 18.
Time is up. I would just like to end by saying - I love you Teom. :)

I must just add that whoever you are that is looking at my blog, you rock, you truly truly rock, seriously.

Long time no write. No dear blog I wasn't ignoring you, or giving up on you. I was simply losing my battle to stay awake long enough to write, and Ellowyn decided to cut her nap time to too short to let me sneak onto the computer. Tonight I prevailed!! Yay for victory. Today was actually a pretty good day all in all. I spend most of it out of the inlaws, and scored some amazing deals at a children's re-sale shop I hadn't been too. Amidst that, the dumb PT Cruiser continuing to break down (I have had to repair that car more times then any other car I have owned or driven consistently and they where all about 10yrs plus older then the PT), and my dear husband having fully swinged to the other side of the personality spectrum, well I should say besides these things and amidst them I have had a relatively normal week.
So, whats on my mind tonight? Kettering University and the effects that it has on its students. Seriously I think that there should be social experiments done at that school just so there can be a greater good that comes out of it besides a degree one could have achieved elsewhere. I want to know who does their ad campaigns so I can hire them whenever I have a place that I want to succeed that by all reason shouldn't. I mean seriously! The fact that they #1 are in the second most dangerous city in the United States #2 offer little on campus housing #3 no interscholastic college sports teams #4 limited degree and class options #5 freakin expensive #6 in crappy (literally look like poop coated crumbling from waste buildings) looking campus buildings #7 have students get mugged regularly because they stray from said buildings #8 their credits do not transfer anywhere so your stuck or lose everything you've paid for #9 has way bad reviews on rate your professor, as well as off campus housing sites #10 the graduates are reported having a hard time finding work because no one recognizes the school name (from what they said at a graduate luau) - this my top 10 list makes me wonder that they are still in business and get enough new students coming in too stay in business. I mean the location should be enough alone for students to not what to spend 5 years there getting a degree, but the anomalies that all these facts create in the students interactions and psychology are amazing. I think this just goes to show that Aaron is a amazing guy because the fact that I was still attracted to him despite having to drive to Flint to date him. Not to say that Flint is a horrible town, or can't recover, the problem with Flint is that its a small town and proportionally tiny compared to the other most dangerous cities which means that unlike Detroit there is no staying away from the questionable parts easily. When I went to the courthouse for the first time it was to file a dba so I could do LiveOps (a work from home opportunity) the officer working the metal detector asked what I was doing in a place like this, I explained and he looked at me and asked if I realized where I was, and I was like "yeah Flint" and he said "I feel bad for you ma'am, (looked at what I was wearing - a white Columbia sports wear coat jeans and sneakers) good luck surviving this town, I hope you do" I asked, do you mean good luck not dying or having something happen to me, he just nodded. Wow I thought, welcome to Flint, home of Kettering University, what a awesome introduction to this town. I am grateful to report that due to my diligent guardian angle (I had a few scary incidents) and my street smarts I did just fine during the short stay in city and quickly moved out and stopped going back, not even to visit Aaron at school or bring food. So, I ask, why in the hell do people still sign up to go to that school, and if cigarettes cause cancer and they have graphic warning labels, and even coffee cups have to tell you what could happen - why oh why don't schools like Kettering have to have the same? It could say "A place that thinks like you think - warning you may get mugged if you stray off campus or go outside after a certain hour - warning students do sometimes commit suicide here - warning you will suffer vandalism at some point although most likely small if you are smart. Apply today!"
Sighs. Little one is growing more darling each day. She said a new word tonight. I find it funny because here we have been coaxing her to say different things and yet out of the blue she says in response to Grandma's "night night later" (what she says every night) with "later". Lol, so true. She has been such a busy body.
Sorry dear blog it looks like I have to cut you short today, its already late enough and the darling doesn't sleep well yet.

Little one kept me up all last night. I was reminded today that one can be so tired it hurts. I haven't been this tired consistently since I was a Flight Attendant and I gave that up because I thought it was bad for my health, I guess I got into the wrong replacement profession lol. Then again as a Flight Attendant my days didn't consist of chasing the cutest thing in the world around the house and occasionally getting to do fun things like drawing with side walk chalk in the garage while it rains. To my surprise my father in law didn't care when he came home and found stuff like "your the cutest girl in the world" written right where he parks his car. I didn't mean to do it, I was just writing things to show her what they said and that came out and then I realized where I put it.
No progress on what I am going to do job wise. I feel I can't make one until I know what Aaron's schedule is going to be or what he is going to do for work or school, as I won't put Ellowyn in daycare and have her just get used to it only to have to move because he decided too. I would if I could count on family to sit for us, but I don't feel I can as I have been late too work too many times in the past using family to baby sit. So, I sit. Its kinda funny how life works, normally the decisions I stress about end up being made for me as in this one. I tried to get Aaron to think about what he wants to do, but he is working full time this week and then comes home and tries to work on his thesis . I get sick hearing my Mother in law talk to the baby about Christmas and how exciting it will be to have Ellowyn living here around Christmas time. I hate holidays personally. I was actually trying to figure out a way I could work but just on the holidays so I could skip them. Too bad it doesn't work that way. Its so awkward living with other people. Day before yesterday my brother in law barged in at 7:30am to our room (we all have to sleep in the same room as that is all the space we get, then we had to stash what little we could keep under the pool table and in corners to try and keep it out of sight) to wake Aaron up on a day he wasn't supposed to work. I think I am going to start sleeping nude on the days when Aaron isn't working, that will cure all of them from barging in. I guess thats one good thing about having horrendous stretch marks :) On the bright side I have lost even more weight and am as skinny as I have been (excluding the near death and wheel chair experiences) due to having a hard time balancing eating and keeping the baby out of everything she is not supposed to be in, as the house is not baby proof. I just hate living with other people. The little interaction I do get normally involves something I am not doing right, or the baby. Its not fun, not at all. I just wish I had a bath tub I could use that I could give her baths in, my hope and prayer is that I get one and some baby proofed space before she gets much bigger; before I lose many more precious baby days not able to live them to their fullest. Oh well, just a little while. I keep trying to tell myself that Aaron will find work that he will want to take. Or that he will find a Masters program and will be able to start in January and it will be far enough away that we will have to move out, or that I might get lucky and he will get a job near my brother, maybe there is hope. I want to think there is, I guess I just don't have enough proof of it yet. There is a three month waiting list for many jobs, and people are telling me it took them six months to get a interview because of the volume of applicants. It seems so sad that so many like me are wasting the prime of their life waiting, not able to do anything but spin their wheels hoping it will get better before long. I just hope that the election does bring positive change and fast. I guess I should stop rambling. This is the only arena in which I can talk, as I had to move away from all of my friends several times for Aaron and he doesn't have allot of time to listen, and it doesn't always come out as coherantly as I would like. But hey, for being as tired as I am this sounds awesome!!! Think of how witty and charming this blog will be once I have space to be creative again, sleep, a proper diet, friends, and a reduced stress level! I will be rocking! I almost took this blog down honestly because I am not in a space where I can be creative, but I then re-affirmed that my purpose with this blog is too be real and once I am witty and awesome I want my readers to be able to look back and see this imperfection and be able to relate and become inspired themselves or find comfort that even when life sucks butt that once its better our true selves can and will shine through.

I had a epiphany today. It came after a good converstaion with a nice tow truck driver. I am not insane, or am I selfish nor any of the things I judge myself to be. I am actually a perfectly normal person who is trying their best to survive the tale end of one of the worst economic climates in this countries history. He is a tow truck driver, lives in a trailer park for lack of being able to afford better and felt bad for me for my situation. Its kind of like when I had to borrow money from a service missionary last week for diapers (locked out of my car which had my purse and had to have them), kinda makes you realize things. He felt bad that I had to live in my in-laws basement, said no one should have to do that. Now he said this after he had seen their house, which is a very nice house. Here I have been thinking I shouldn't be having such a hard time of it because they are feeding us and Aaron gets work sometimes at a local shop, but I realize that its ok to not be completely happy. For those of us who have to spend our youths barely making it and struggling, living with and off of people because we or our spouses can't find work - its ok to scream about it inside and wish for better. Its ok to not be ok with it. I have always tried to make the best of things, but I think that part of me has been broken lately. I guess life has that effect sometimes, it breaks us and gives us new perspectives as we try to put ourselves back together. Sighs, Aaron had to ask his Dad if it was ok if we fixed our car, seriously I have previous to this lived on my own since I was just a adult, worked two jobs while I went to school, got hit by a car and still worked through the pain to support myself, and now I have to get permission from someone else to fix my car. I just hope on this eve of election that the right people get elected to change this, I don't want this to continue through to my daughters generation. I don't wish this sense of helplessness on anyone.
I don't even know what to say or do. My dear daughter had a hard enough time with the change of moving here, do I dare strike out and get a job and bring more change upon her dear soul just to change it again when I start school in January? I know I could get holiday help work. I don't know because it would just be bailing out a sinking ship. It wouldn't improve her life greatly, sure we'd have a easier time buying diapers but we would still get them, it wouldn't give us the ability to get out and get a place of our own, wouldn't give us the ability to go anywhere. Its a hard decision. He is at work on his thesis and can't work full time, though he does work when they need him, he doesn't make much. I wouldn't make much either. Is this what it has come too? Both parents working with the child in day care and still not able to afford rent, groceries, or utilities and still living in someones basement because they won't get enough hours. Its a sad sad world.
I think after my contemplation that I just need to make a decision about funeral sciences and try for a internship if I am going to make it a go. They always get swamped around the holidays I hear because of the increase in car accidents, and so I am sure I would be able to get some work there and be able to progress towards degree and eventual career as a mortician. Maybe that is the answer. I would feel better about leaving her if it was for a good cause and would better her future indefinitely and truly bring good change to her life. Its hard for me to come out of my little shell of being a stay at home Mom. I have worked, but from home for Elly's entire life. I did have to take appointments outside of the home for when I worked insurance, but I was close to my brother then and he was able to help with her when I had to work. I went nuts being at home at first after he left and I had to stop working, but I have grown to love it. It feels like a warm comfortable familiar place full of unconditional love from my toddler, and lots of laughter and snuggles. I don't want to leave that place. I don't know what to do.