Tuesday, November 2, 2010

I had a epiphany today. It came after a good converstaion with a nice tow truck driver. I am not insane, or am I selfish nor any of the things I judge myself to be. I am actually a perfectly normal person who is trying their best to survive the tale end of one of the worst economic climates in this countries history. He is a tow truck driver, lives in a trailer park for lack of being able to afford better and felt bad for me for my situation. Its kind of like when I had to borrow money from a service missionary last week for diapers (locked out of my car which had my purse and had to have them), kinda makes you realize things. He felt bad that I had to live in my in-laws basement, said no one should have to do that. Now he said this after he had seen their house, which is a very nice house. Here I have been thinking I shouldn't be having such a hard time of it because they are feeding us and Aaron gets work sometimes at a local shop, but I realize that its ok to not be completely happy. For those of us who have to spend our youths barely making it and struggling, living with and off of people because we or our spouses can't find work - its ok to scream about it inside and wish for better. Its ok to not be ok with it. I have always tried to make the best of things, but I think that part of me has been broken lately. I guess life has that effect sometimes, it breaks us and gives us new perspectives as we try to put ourselves back together. Sighs, Aaron had to ask his Dad if it was ok if we fixed our car, seriously I have previous to this lived on my own since I was just a adult, worked two jobs while I went to school, got hit by a car and still worked through the pain to support myself, and now I have to get permission from someone else to fix my car. I just hope on this eve of election that the right people get elected to change this, I don't want this to continue through to my daughters generation. I don't wish this sense of helplessness on anyone.
I don't even know what to say or do. My dear daughter had a hard enough time with the change of moving here, do I dare strike out and get a job and bring more change upon her dear soul just to change it again when I start school in January? I know I could get holiday help work. I don't know because it would just be bailing out a sinking ship. It wouldn't improve her life greatly, sure we'd have a easier time buying diapers but we would still get them, it wouldn't give us the ability to get out and get a place of our own, wouldn't give us the ability to go anywhere. Its a hard decision. He is at work on his thesis and can't work full time, though he does work when they need him, he doesn't make much. I wouldn't make much either. Is this what it has come too? Both parents working with the child in day care and still not able to afford rent, groceries, or utilities and still living in someones basement because they won't get enough hours. Its a sad sad world.
I think after my contemplation that I just need to make a decision about funeral sciences and try for a internship if I am going to make it a go. They always get swamped around the holidays I hear because of the increase in car accidents, and so I am sure I would be able to get some work there and be able to progress towards degree and eventual career as a mortician. Maybe that is the answer. I would feel better about leaving her if it was for a good cause and would better her future indefinitely and truly bring good change to her life. Its hard for me to come out of my little shell of being a stay at home Mom. I have worked, but from home for Elly's entire life. I did have to take appointments outside of the home for when I worked insurance, but I was close to my brother then and he was able to help with her when I had to work. I went nuts being at home at first after he left and I had to stop working, but I have grown to love it. It feels like a warm comfortable familiar place full of unconditional love from my toddler, and lots of laughter and snuggles. I don't want to leave that place. I don't know what to do.

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