Wednesday, November 3, 2010

Little one kept me up all last night. I was reminded today that one can be so tired it hurts. I haven't been this tired consistently since I was a Flight Attendant and I gave that up because I thought it was bad for my health, I guess I got into the wrong replacement profession lol. Then again as a Flight Attendant my days didn't consist of chasing the cutest thing in the world around the house and occasionally getting to do fun things like drawing with side walk chalk in the garage while it rains. To my surprise my father in law didn't care when he came home and found stuff like "your the cutest girl in the world" written right where he parks his car. I didn't mean to do it, I was just writing things to show her what they said and that came out and then I realized where I put it.
No progress on what I am going to do job wise. I feel I can't make one until I know what Aaron's schedule is going to be or what he is going to do for work or school, as I won't put Ellowyn in daycare and have her just get used to it only to have to move because he decided too. I would if I could count on family to sit for us, but I don't feel I can as I have been late too work too many times in the past using family to baby sit. So, I sit. Its kinda funny how life works, normally the decisions I stress about end up being made for me as in this one. I tried to get Aaron to think about what he wants to do, but he is working full time this week and then comes home and tries to work on his thesis . I get sick hearing my Mother in law talk to the baby about Christmas and how exciting it will be to have Ellowyn living here around Christmas time. I hate holidays personally. I was actually trying to figure out a way I could work but just on the holidays so I could skip them. Too bad it doesn't work that way. Its so awkward living with other people. Day before yesterday my brother in law barged in at 7:30am to our room (we all have to sleep in the same room as that is all the space we get, then we had to stash what little we could keep under the pool table and in corners to try and keep it out of sight) to wake Aaron up on a day he wasn't supposed to work. I think I am going to start sleeping nude on the days when Aaron isn't working, that will cure all of them from barging in. I guess thats one good thing about having horrendous stretch marks :) On the bright side I have lost even more weight and am as skinny as I have been (excluding the near death and wheel chair experiences) due to having a hard time balancing eating and keeping the baby out of everything she is not supposed to be in, as the house is not baby proof. I just hate living with other people. The little interaction I do get normally involves something I am not doing right, or the baby. Its not fun, not at all. I just wish I had a bath tub I could use that I could give her baths in, my hope and prayer is that I get one and some baby proofed space before she gets much bigger; before I lose many more precious baby days not able to live them to their fullest. Oh well, just a little while. I keep trying to tell myself that Aaron will find work that he will want to take. Or that he will find a Masters program and will be able to start in January and it will be far enough away that we will have to move out, or that I might get lucky and he will get a job near my brother, maybe there is hope. I want to think there is, I guess I just don't have enough proof of it yet. There is a three month waiting list for many jobs, and people are telling me it took them six months to get a interview because of the volume of applicants. It seems so sad that so many like me are wasting the prime of their life waiting, not able to do anything but spin their wheels hoping it will get better before long. I just hope that the election does bring positive change and fast. I guess I should stop rambling. This is the only arena in which I can talk, as I had to move away from all of my friends several times for Aaron and he doesn't have allot of time to listen, and it doesn't always come out as coherantly as I would like. But hey, for being as tired as I am this sounds awesome!!! Think of how witty and charming this blog will be once I have space to be creative again, sleep, a proper diet, friends, and a reduced stress level! I will be rocking! I almost took this blog down honestly because I am not in a space where I can be creative, but I then re-affirmed that my purpose with this blog is too be real and once I am witty and awesome I want my readers to be able to look back and see this imperfection and be able to relate and become inspired themselves or find comfort that even when life sucks butt that once its better our true selves can and will shine through.

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