I thought the video I posted was just beautifully done. Truly a work of art, although I wish it had a happy ending.

I spent the first part of the night playing with Ellowyn and then chasing the dog while holding her. It did my heart good to hear her laugh and laugh and laugh until she couldn't breath and then shriek from the joy of it all. I the beat Aaron's family at every game we played :). First Aaron and I won by allot in two games of Eukre (first playing a brother and Mother and then brother and Father), and then we had the two highest scores in Yatzee too. Felt really good to have the year go out on a winning streak. I had let her Grandparents play with her while we played cards and both parties loved that. I put her too bed during Yatzee and then after she was asleep (and I had played my hand) I pulled Aaron downstairs and we where able to spend the last 15min of the year together and ring in the New Year with just the two of us. It was definitely the best holiday of the year (not counting my b-day as that isn't celebrated by everyone).

I feel really good ending and starting the year on such a good note. I hope it can be a shadow of the year too come, that Aaron and I can keep on winning through the year and continue to be able to enjoy blissful joyful time together. He has been a different man since he finished his thesis and turned it in, we have been able to tease laugh like we had before we married. What a wonderful note to start a new year on. I feel like it is the first real year for us since there are so many new beginnings to be and for the first time we are not tethered to one area for school.

Thought of You - by Ryan Woodward

Sighs. So nice to be able to write while I am still somewhat awake, lol. Ellowyn is upstairs playing with her Grandparents after getting a bath from her Grandma, and Aaron is done with his thesis so the comp upstairs is free. I am so stinkin glad that his thesis is done, as long as there aren't any mistakes. His professor has access to it either way and said he would go over it and give the approval. I don't know what I am going to do when it shows as approved honestly. I have thought about it allot. At first I thought it wouldn't be such a big deal because we have allot of debt still, but then today we sat down and figured out what to pay first and how much to pay second if we get some cash in. So, now no debt to worry about either because its all on its way to being paid. The money we got for Christmas took a big chunk out of it, so no worries there. Now we have no real stress then (because I don't stress about stuff we can't control, so not paying anything more off doesn't stress me because I can't control it), and a thesis that's about to be approved. I think I might go crazy. I know I will find Aaron, don't know if I will be able to speak, probably won't be able to speak, yeah he will think I am crazy. Maybe I will have to plan on checking it on my netbook so I can take it too him and point since I probably won't be able to speak, yeah that is probably the best plan. I wonder how he is going to react, it shall be fun.

I read my horoscope for 2011 today. Isn't it funny that it sounds like horror-scope? That is what it has been in the past, but Taurus for 2011 is looking good. I certainly hope the blown out of proportion claims for money and career work out, haha wouldn't that be nice. I don't put much weight on them, as I haven't been able to fully understand them despite my research, so for now I just find them to be curiosities. Normally I find that a truth will mix in with other truths and they will all blend into a bigger truth, and most big truths I find re-occur in different ways amongst most world religions or cultures. This is mainly how I focus my belief's. I understand psychic gifts and how they play, I do believe in a after life, I have found that humans are capable of more then they realize and some are better at figuring this out then others, but horoscopes...they don't fit yet. One of these years I will figure it out.

Quick cute baby story. I was unloading the dishwasher while Ellowyn was playing with all of her new toys in the front room (or so I thought). She starts to jabber and I realize that she is repeating the same jabber, so I move closer and find that she has been repeating uh oh. Her mouth is scrunched into the little o she makes when she says it, eyes wide, and a Christmas ornament in her hand. I look behind her and realize that she has torn the garland off of the bottom half of the tree. It was so cute I called Aaron over. Imagine this little 2' 4' cute girl standing near the Christmas tree repeating Uh Oh until I come and fix what she has torn down. We laughed so hard and then Aaron went and spoke to her about what she did while fixing it, and only then did she stop saying Uh Oh. :)

It took forever for Ellowyn to decide to take her nap today! I was hoping to nap with her but I just found this person on facebook that scarred a large portion of my life and am anxiously reading status updates. I did find that karma is a bitch and definitely gave this guy what he deserved, but its honestly almost hard to read, not sure why.

On the bright side Aaron is almost done with his thesis. He spoke with his professor who told him that after he finished making the changes he was working on he would have a pass grade! Yay! I am way excited for it. Definitely looking forward to it being done today and having time with him for once in our marriage. This will be the first time he won't have to be extremely stressed about work and school. Sadly no work means no money but he has three interviews next week so maybe that won't last long. Either way its a win win him being done with school because just having to work is way easier then work and school, so he will be allot happier. I was at first having a mid twenties crises but I am settling into settling down and am starting to look forward to new adventures of house hunting, decorating, keeping, babies, ect. Even if that means that my dreams of traveling allot again won't happen right now I now they will happen. It should be fun playing house for real...right? lol

Yesterday was busy but a big improvement. I started out the day taking some Kohls cash and getting my daughter two adorable outfits!! I was supposed to spend it on myself but I get more joy out of actually being able to pick out her clothes then I would have out of getting something small for myself ($40 doesn't go along way at Kohls in clothes that are actually stylish). After that I had to bring her back, play, put down for her nap, and then head out to the bank/Krogers. By the time I got back from that it was time to go out to dinner for my Mother in laws birthday. I thought I was going to have a stress attack until I started eating. It was bad enough having to drop Ellowyn at a sitters and run after not getting much time with her that day, but to get there late and having had no time to myself either - ugh. The food totally made up for it. It was arguably the best chicken mash patato salad thing I have had and the dessert only helped. Good thing too because I am basically out of food at home and what little I had left went to Ellowyn.

On a good note the trouble with my phone is finally settled. We had left it on trying to find someone to take over the contract, but the bill was coming due again and we had no takers. They where about to shut us off for non-payment again, so I called them and explained that I have no money and none coming in. It ended up being that my contract is suspended for three months, or until I can afford it, or until someone does actually take over the contract. I feel so free not having a phone. The bill was killing me and I found that I just don't like feeling obligated to always pick it up, or check to see if I missed a call. Once my internet and txt'ing where off the thing it became useless, and I didn't really need those anyways. I just hope we find someone to take over the plan soon. I would much rather be done with it totally then to have to face the 13months left on the contract in another three months. People think I am crazy for not having a phone (my inlaws mainly, but I think they are a little off anyways), and I think they are crazy for wanting to have a phone. Either way I am glad that it finally worked out for me to not have to pay a arm and a leg for something that isn't necessary.

On another bright note Aaron has a interview with the boss' boss at this place he went to last week. This time I get to go with him and look at housing so we have something if they offer him the job. I am excited. I love looking at housing, even if we don't end up getting the job it will have been like a little vacation getting to spend the day touring a nice little town I haven't been too before.

I so wish that there was a way to turn down the brain quickly that doesn't involve chemically induced downers. I am against replacing the oxygen in my blood with alcohol, so that one's out, don't like killing brain cells either, and herbal tea's just take to darn long to make and kick in. I want a off button. I wonder if its something that the mind can be trained too do. I will have to look into it. I am sure some weirdo meditation expert has found a way that may or may not work, but maybe some good meditation expert actually found a way.

I just spend most of my day working on Aaron's thesis. Hours helping him, or cheering him on while trying to help. When I wasn't working on it Ellowyn was running my ragged (already had gotten tired of her Grandparents at that point). She went to bed two hours ago and I just finished two hours of work on finding all the sources for the last write up we have to do. Aaron has been playing WoW for the past three hours. Geez louise! Now I have to go straight to bed because I will already be exhausted trying to get up at 8am after waking up with her throughout the night. She slept great while we where at my brothers, but went to sleeping like crap here. I think I may just have problems with anger a bit. I have gone from wanting to throw my brother in law through a window, to being on the verge of wanting to throw my husband throw a window. If Aaron stays on WoW late again (like last night) and again sleeps in late (like this morning) and again doesn't finish his thesis tomorrow because he had to keep taking breaks (like all freakin day), then I am going to throw him through a window - or at least it will be really really hard not too. Its not his fault entirely. My Mother in law babied him his entire life so he never learned how to push himself, even now he thinks he is pushing himself but its not near what I am doing. I wonder if he ever will have to learn to push himself or if it came to that point if he would give up. Parents have the best way of helping ruin the best people and yet they do it with the best intentions. Funny how life works that way.

I do feel better after writing about it all and posting it on a public site. It would be funny if in the future one of Aaron's family gets into blogging and finds this. I would tell it all to their face but they would get so offended within the first couple of sentences that they wouldn't listen anymore, start screaming, and the whole point would be lost in their anger and they would then only feel more right to be angry. So, I don't waste my breath. I wish there was a mirror in which we could look and see ourselves, what we truly do and the ways we are asses. I would love that mirror because I want to not be a ass and would love to be able to better see how to live to get what I want, and I would love having other people look into it. :) I just keep hoping that the Christan rumor that we will get a re-run in the next life so we can see what we did in this one is true. There would be a few certain people I wouldn't mind seeing right after they watched theirs.

Thank goodness Christmas is over!!! YAY!!! PARTY PARTY PARTY!!! I am totally celebrating all of the obnoixous holidays being over. Thanksgiving and Christmas are not coming again for nearly a year! Woot! The best part? I didn't throw anyone through a window yesterday! The day did not get better though as once I did venture upstairs it only ended in a bunch of food that made me feel sick (way too much meat and sugar, no potatoes, bread, and most of the veggies off the one veggie tray where gone), and losing three games of euchre in a row, after winning two though. Top that off with terrible cramping and pains from my midsection, gotta love being a girl, and it definetly wasn't a Merry Christmas.

I am just grateful to be done with those holidays. New Years is much more of a real holiday I think. Why you ask? Because you actually spend it with people you like and get to do what ever the hell you want. Now that is a reason to celebrate and a good way to do it. Personally I don't like the drunk butts but I do like to sit on the couch while everyone else is gone doing whatever they feel and watch comedies. That way if the year sucked it still goes out with a laugh. I eat pizza or whatever sounds good. Normally I start out with a good movie and end with a good laugh. Last year I just went to bed because I had a new baby, but the year before that started out with Maid in Manhattan and ended with a Who's Line Is it Anyways marathon. Let the good times roll.

Omgoodness. I think I am going to puke back up all this Christmas cheer and fake caring crap. Seriously. If they don't give a shit during the year what makes you think they care just because they show up to eat the food on Christmas? I am especially bitter today yes. Why? Well for Christmas I got in my stocking a lacey little pair of panties from my Mother in law, with no warning to not open infront of everyone. The creepiest thing about it is that it was ordered, not just something she picked up from the store. I mean ew doesn't even cover it. Aaron's only comment was 'She must want more grandchildren". Then Aaron's Aunt Debbie came over bringing German Chocolate Cake Pie - which they know I am deathly allergic to coconut, and yes they plan on eating it, not cleaning up the dishes, and excluding me from Christmas. They don't believe that if I smell it I will go into anaphaletic shock because I don't have a doctors note to show them. So I am left with the delema, do I leave Ellowyn here while I go shopping, do I go shopping by myself, or do I freeze my ass of in the basement in the hopes that they will clean up all the coconut after they are done eating the pie? Seriously I just want to leave with Ellowyn. Aaron won't guarentee that he will make sure she is taken care of and her Grandma often forgets to change her diaper when she is busy, and they don't understand when she is asking for food. sighs. I hate the holidays and fake people. Fake people are my biggest pet peeve. I can't believe they even pretend to care and pretend like its ok just to tell me when they are going to have the pie so I can go downstairs until they are done, and like pretend that having the dishes laying around won't kill me. Last time they had it I had to go to the door to go upstairs and hold my breath while wearing something over my face while I rinsed them off myself, but that was two dishes in a sink, not the 15 that will be in the sink or the garbage by the time they are done. Really is it too much to ask to at least have a warm place to stay while they exclude me from the holidays? Apparently so. I just got back from visiting my brother and having a lovely three days filled with not having to ever watch my child, all the food I could eat with someone to play with her while I eat, and pleanty of movies to watch. Yet I came back here because it was the right thing to do. If only I had known fully what coming back entailed. I would have said "fuck you I'm staying where its warm and there is food have a nice life". At least now I know that I never have to come back to any family event and Aaron won't have anything he can argue against it. I hope they enjoy probably their last holiday with us. I just ask, can I throw someone through a window yet? If Danny hadn't convinced them I was lying because I don't have proof they would have had a greater chance of respecting me, so I only think its fair he goes first right?

Ellowyn is getting cuter and cuter and into more and more trouble everyday. Today she decided to show off her newest skill of using her new height, crafty reaching, and tip toes to get things off of tables. She had been practicing this for a few nights now and today decided to share brother in laws leftovers with the dogs, I am so proud. We went to a Christmas party which was ok, but we got a $50 gift certificate to Trader Joes!!! I feel like it should be bad to be so like whatever for the party full of drunk relatives of Aaron and there kids, even though Ellowyn was in her best show-woman form, and to only get excited or happy over money for food. Ah well, it is what it is and money for food is freakin exciting! Especially Trader Joes food, that will buy me a month of Trader Joes essentials. Which when Aaron gets work that will come in great handy as there aren't many Trader Joes in this area. I will be taking out cart fulls when we find one to visit. It will be worth the drive. I am totally in love with Trader Joes btw.

I have decided that Ellowyn being on a schedule maybe isn't so great. Definitely has its pro's, that being predictable bed and wake times, but some nights she is still up all night and then instead of sleeping in like she would have previously she is awake at 8:30 am. Sighs.

On a brighter note my dreams are continually confirming that change is coming. It is a like a welcome breath of fresh air. I love positive change and new adventures. I breath it in deep every night and at times during the days and look forward to the actual change taking place, the new adventure beginning. The last time I enjoyed their company so fully I was moving to Arizona. I wonder what new adventures awaits and exactly where.

Well she is doing better falling asleep at night. She is good at first, but its hard for her to get back to sleep after she wakes up at times, and nap time is near impossible. Literally I have had to put her in the car and just drive until she falls asleep. I am just glad that she gets way more sleep and her dark circles are gone. I figure once she's been falling asleep on her own enough it will come naturally at nap time. She has gotten so much more outspoken about what she wants. She is a determined little thing and is set in her own little world and control of it. Beautiful little manipulator. It will serve her well over her life to be so forward, determined, and sooo good at using that little pout and big blue eyes to her advantage. A fair world doesn't exist so I am happy she is good at getting what she wants. Not that I let in, its Daddy and Grandma that do. Last night her bath in the fancy tub, time at Grandma's vanity, this morning snacks on our bed, then playing with Daddy on our bed, then him walking her and holding her like she was a little baby, then off to play with Grandma. Such a beautifully simple world.

Still no sign of my cell phone. I am starting to wonder if we will ever find it, either way we can't afford the bill and no one from the sites has offered to take over the plan, so its probably going to get shut off for non-payment soon anyways. I don't feel its a horrible thing, we will set up a payment arrangement to get our monthly payments down to what we can afford and pay it off over time.

My dreams are still pointing towards us getting and taking this job in middle of no-where land. I certainly hope so because it looks like a dream, such a perfect little town. I am not a fan of the metro Detroit area where I reside, it would be much nicer to get back to a place where I can see the stars again.

Please excuse my absense. ELlowyn is learning to fall asleep on her own so normally I am asleep before she is now liol. For a quick update though. We are a week and a half wihtout a phone and I find that I don't miss it. Ellowyn lost it on me and I haven't actually needed it for anything. The few calls I get come to Aaron's phone or the inlaws home phone and I find that I haven't actually needed my phone for anything. Its kind of nice to because it makes going anywhere feel more like a adventure :) Its always a trek into the unknown because I am so new to the area and don't have a phone. I have to plan shopping better, and drive more carefully, so all in all I find that I am a better person without it. Drive more carefully to not miss my turns, and plan shopping better to make sure that I have directions to all my stores and don't forget to get anything. I actually like it allot. Wouldn't like it if I didn't have a home phone, but I can always get one at our next place.
Aaron had a really positive interview, so who knows maybe our next place will be coming soon. I certainly hope it does.

I feel like Ellowyn beat me up today. She didn't really we just had allot to get done on a little sleep. She definitely has reminded me that she is a little stinker. Today when Aaron got home he played with her for awhile, and so she kissed him twice once on the cheek once on the lips! Then she leaned into me with pursed lips like she was going to kiss me, I smiled and leaned in a bit only to have her get really close and then pull away laughing. Aaron got another kiss on the lips on the fly, and then two when saying goodnight along with a kiss on the cheek. All I got was teased more! Funny too because I took her to the resale shop and got her more toys today as they where having a nice special.

Good news is that Aaron got a call for a phone interview today! Yes! He got a rejection letter yesterday from the company that had promised to progress him onto the next step in the process, that being a test. I am happy that he has something else to look at. I just hope he does well when the guy calls him back tomorrow, off the cuff phone interviews never where his strong suite. Either way the job is still in MI while being pretty far south and still a few hours away, so I can't complain too much....

I wonder who will win Biggest Loser tonight. I don't follow it religiously but I do see it on occasion because they watch it. My bet is on Patrick.

Other then the early time the visit to the fictional fat man wasn't as bad as I feared, not too bad at all. They scheduled times instead of making one wait in line, so we only had to wait a hour for our time and got to wander during the hour. The bright side to the wandering was a way cute new pair of house slippers for Ellowyn and a singing dancing Frosty the snowman from Hallmark. She is so spoiled by her Grandma, but she is such a amazing kid she deserves it. Really she does. The pictures didn't come out half bad, there was allot of cool stuff to look at and I got a really yummy lunch to go with the deal. Not bad all in all.

Its funny because I am tired and its worsening my brain rot but the only reason for that is because I fell asleep while putting Ellowyn to bed at 7:30. I hope I can get it to start back up, as I need to post my cell phone on the plan trading websites in hopes of getting rid of it without dissconnect fee's. I have still gone without it though, can't find it lol. I don't mind it at all. Its really freeing to not have to answer to anyone and I pay attention to allot more not being distracted by it. I would check it here and again and call people to check on them whenever I was out and about or alone in the basement. Not having that is really nice. I still hear from them when they call Aaron's phone for me and I call them back when I get home and I normally get to talk to them for longer then normal because they have to make an effort to call me, which condenses a bunch of short calls into one long one, which feels good to the soul - long conversations always do for me. I have decided that I really like it. I just need to get a watch as it was annoying never knowing the time. I think I am going to get one of those awesome pocket watches they have and just attach it to the diaper bag or put it in my purse, never could stand the feeling of a watch on my wrist and I always lose them taking them off all the time. For right now I will use a little rubber watch Ellowyn got and just keep that in the diaper bag as part toy part watch. I think I will definetly get used to the no cell life. I think I have too because I don't have another phone I can put on my plan and I can't find the phone for the life of me (Ellowyn ran off with it one morning early while it was still on silent and I didn't realize fully until I woke up and saw it was gone and remembered her running off as if she had something, I can't find it). I do keep a phone on me mind you for emergency purposes, but it can only call 911. That way I am still safe since there are no pay phones but I can only use it if I have to call 911.

I will let you know how the cell phone getting rid of without fee goes. Right now they want $300 in line cancellations. I just posted on celltradeusa.com, mobileswap.org, and cellescape.com. We will see who gets me out the fastest, or if none of them work. I am so hoping to get rid of mine soon and my brothers closer to January. It would be a Merry Christmas indeed to be done with them without paying a fee. All I want for Christmas is more money either way! Don't we all.

Well I survived yesterday! Yay for me and congrats to Aaron, haha. Seriously thought graudation that starts at 8:30 am for the breakfast farewell and then having to have the graduates there by 10:30, and its a hour away, oh and did I mention its Saturday!! yeesh. The worst part was waking Ellowyn up at 7:30am so we could get ready and out the door by 8:30 and there by 9:45 so he could see people. We then had to keep her up until 1pm due to graduation starting at 11am (which is also when she wanted to go down for her nap so she didn't get to go down for one before). Needless to say I got to pace with a fussy child from 11 until 1:30 when pictures where over and we could leave. Thankfully it means Aaron is almost done. Just has to finish his thesis and then a bachelors degree will be his.

On the bright side we still made it to church this morning, despite not getting to bed until 11pm last night due to the celebrations that commenced after graduation, and the best part is that I didn't fall asleep while playing the piano and singing (at the same time) during the Christmas program. If it wasn't for that and signing in the choir I would have slept in, lol. It does have its perks the little one is already asleep (yay for time to myself) and hopefully sleeps well tonight as we get to leave at 9:30am to go get pictures with Santa (shoot me now). No that wasn't my idea. I couldn't care less about pictures with a fictitious fat man, and even if I did the thought of a mall filled with young children waiting to get pictures with said fictional character would be enough to detour me, lol. I honestly think the whole idea is pretty dumb (yes my child will know that Santa is make believe and is just a symbol of Christmas and the spirit of giving). You may say different but I never did care for the holidays. Now if I can survive that maybe I can sleep in on Tuesday. Thankfully little one likes to sleep in too :) She will wake up but just lounge in bed for awhile until she gets up and chases her doggy while I get to lay there all warm in my covers half sleeping :) She is just too cute.

On the other bright side Ellowyn is doing very well with sleep training. Hopefully she does as well with potty training as soon as I can get her a little potty chair. She has a seat but is too short to climb up even with a stool so its not working well yet.

Haha sorry I'm not very entertaining, I have brain rot. Hopefully tomorrow will be better as I may have actually gotten sleep. Maybe we will have good news before Christmas, I freakin hope so. Either way once Aaron is done with his thesis while he looks for work he is going to take advantage of a local business incubator and see what he can't do with a business plan he has written. That is the beautiful thing about this country, that because the economy is bad our fellow Americans are stepping in and offering their time, money (in building the centers), and expertise to help others get a business going. It makes my heart glad that there is so much help for people like us, young full of ambition wanting to make a mark on the world, who can't find work that there is still something we will be able to apply ourselves too so we can better ourselves. I am proud to be a American, not because of our leaders and the decisions they make, but because of the good people of this land.

I have decided that brain rot does exist. It is what I call the condition that happens when your brain has been deprived of sleep, proper nutrients, and a environment in which it can thrive. All of these contribute to brain rot. I think I have brain rot. Aaron is starting to get it too. Sighs.
I had another kick butt dream but this time it was about me actually having a night to hang out with my friends. Thank God for dreams.
As it is I have to be up around 7:30am tomorrow morning, so enough said. Goodnight.

So, there was a upside to my exhaustion and grumpiness yesterday. Although we had a really bad night it led to Ellowyn going to bed early tonight and without much hassle. Thankgoodness. The child is into her terrific two's early and its not all that fun. Put that in with me going completely stir crazy from being in limbo for coming up on 3 months and its not a pretty sight. Being called stupid by my Mother in law also doesn't help, these people are starting to get too me.

On the bright side giving Aaron his ring didn't go as bad as I feared but more comical then I expected. He put us nose to nose while I recited a poem I was coming up with on the fly (sounded really good actually) and tried to lick my chin without my noticing, didn't work to well. Then when he saw it he asked how much it cost, was content with its low price and then asked why I got him a washer and what it was made out of. Once he found it was titanium and was reminded that he picked it out he stopped being silly. It helped when we shined a light on it as the lighting in the computer room is horrible, but that is where he spends all his time and it was easier for me to kneel without it being horribly obvious. All in all I don't really care anymore what he thinks as it makes me happy to see him always wearing the ring without complaint. I didn't realize how much it bugged me until I found how happy it made me to see him wearing one finally.

On the bright side of the phone problem we found a couple of websites where we can offer to pay people to take over our contract. This is really awesome because it gives me the ability to keep my brother in a phone for another month for the chance of being able to save allot on the disconnect fee's. As for my phone I don't care about it. I haven't know its whereabouts in a couple of days now and I don't care to spend the time to find it. So, pretty much my phone just chills wherever it is probably for forever, or at until someone finds it for me. Yeah, that's how much I care about it - not at all.

I think my brain is starting to rot from being in limbo with nothing to think about or do for so long and the lack of sleep. I wonder if that's possible.

To stop from going crazy I spent more time thinking about what kind of tiny house I would build. I came up with a couple of links for starter templates:

http://picasaweb.google.com/SingLogHomes/SingHomesExterior#5486093766852452322

Love the windows in the above

http://www.tumbleweedhouses.com/houses/bodega/

Kinda gives you an idea of how it all can come together although I want mine more open.

I was also thinking of doing a stuco exterior look and making it look like one of those pictures of a Irish countryside cottage with the little window boxes and ivy growing up the side like the picture in this article: http://holidays-to-ireland.info/ireland-trips.html. That would be another way of making it feel cozy without looking or feeling cramped. I have always wanted a cottage in a glen and the thought of incorporating the windows and the cottage with a nice loft for the beds sounds dreamy. After actually looking at all this Aaron thinks I am less crazy :). I still think paying with cash for everything is the way to go and this would be a good way to get a beautiful little starter home brand new to my specifications for cash :) Thoughts anyone?

What a day. Ellowyn is into even more stuff then before as she is helping herself to the cupboards with magnetic closers that she can now open, and unplugging power strips, and getting into everything she normally would. She is also still clutsy enough today to continue to trip and also drop stuff on her foot. I couldn't do anything today except for chase after her. The basement has gotten so cold that she didn't let go of me during nap time because she couldn't keep her face warm without sticking it in my chest. I have spent four hours of my day laying down staring at the ceiling so she could sleep. 1hr for nap time and another three for bedtime waiting for the room to warm up. Found out that it gets to 80 degrees in there around 3am if we keep the door shut and if we don't then it waits until closer to 5am to peak at 80 degrees. Did I mention that I really dislike sleeping in one tiny room with three people and a dog in a basement? Sighs. Ellowyn still hasn't stopped being congested with purple rings around her eyes, and stuff always pouring down her throat, still waking up coughing in the middle of the night. I wish I could afford to take her to a dr. I wish medicaid didn't take so long to get approved. I wish allot of things.

I am so tired. I got online to relax only to find out that Aaron's ring is being delivered tomorrow. I am now nervous and a bit excited. More nervous. I haven't had the brain power to write the poem, and I am so hoping he doesn't get on my case for it. We haven't heard back from anyone yet for the next steps so he may think I jumped the gun getting it now, but I took it out of the money from selling my ipod so he shouldn't. I am so self conscious here. I never used to give a damn about what people thought, but being so secluded from people I know and being constantly judged by the ones I am around is starting to get to me, or maybe its just the lack of sleep. I really don't know. I really just hope my better situation comes soon. Heaven knows I been through enough in my life.

Aaron's coming, got to go before he reads about his ring. World of Warcraft has kept his attention off me enough so far but don't want to push my luck.

I ended up seriously contemplating the reasons I don't mind and almost enjoy my dreams where society ends. I think I do enjoy them. I have honestly ruled that it is because I feel like its just fact, the bible and many other holy texts warn of plagues, or earthquakes, floods, and other upheavals. Also it brings the bad stupid people to judgment sooner, and the good people to there reward sooner. This life is so short as it is. Really how many people who are dying that are old tell you that it seems like yesterday they where 20? Pretty much all of them say that life went by so fast. So, if its cut down by a few years then hopefully you lived it too its fullest and are ready for what lies ahead. Many people don't believe in a afterlife, either because there is no fact or that its easier not too. I say whatever floats your boat. I was accused recently that my belief in a afterlife is just to sooth my brain, to make me feel better so I will sleep better at night and don't have to face the fact. My response? Well maybe its working because I am almost 25 and only have 2 gray hairs, and whats so wrong with that? I mean think about it whether its too sooth your mind or because you actually believe in it, it feels right to most people and what harm does it do? None, and most of the time it does a lot of good. So, take the good and tell the stupid haters to go jump off a bridge and find out for themselves :)

The more I think about it the more I realize that it doesn't matter what people think of what you think as long as you feel good in your own soul. If you feel good about your beliefs and have peace in your soul then you are going to be happier, healthier, and have a higher quality of life - and with how short it is you better not be wasting it! I don't mean eat drink and be merry, as I have yet to find a partier that is truly happy, I mean be well. Really think about it "live long and prosper", haven't found a better way to say it. I think that is really the key to have that peace and prosperity and to enjoy it. I would not hear that it takes time to gain prosperity and everyone has different idea's of prosperity. For instance I would be happy in a small cottage (compared to my in-laws house small, probably more average size for normal houses), on a big lot near a city but not in it with enough to travel once or twice a year to see family and to not have to worry about bills. For me that would be prosperity, for Aaron, well that's a whole different story. He wants all that and a house bigger then his parents and as many children as we can handle well. Contrast that with my good friend who just wants someone to share his life with, a place to hunt, and money for toys. I think if we just concentrate on achieving our levels of prosperity and let the rest worry about itself, then how much better off are we?

On that thought, yes I am in a better mood today. No, today hasn't gone any better then yesterday. The difference? I think the main help is vitamin D supplements. Turns out here in the cold north we don't get enough sun during the winter to process vitamen D even if everything we eat is fortified with it, and so if we take vitamin D supplements then we can be happier easier. I myself have noticed a big difference between the days that I take it and the days that I don't.

As for today. This morning I noticed that little ones legs had grown considerably recently, I was afraid she was going to be clumsy and boy was I right. All day long she was falling, or not judging distances right, which led to other things like dropping stuff on her toes or being knocked over by the dogs, falling down the stairs, stumbling, and many other things. Poor dear. Thankfully with a lot more singing and attention from me she was still mostly happy today. I have found that the more I sing the happier she is, which is good because I have been coaxed into singing in a Christmas program on Sunday - their ploy is that the choir sounds absolutely horrible so I will be a breath of fresh air no matter how bad I sound lol.

My phone turns off on Monday, so we will see how that goes. I think it will be fine. I am just going to open up a skype account so I can still talk to my brother, use email for txt'ing, and the home phone for my friend who calls allot. Then if I charge up the tom tom it should all be peachy keen. Both Aaron and I are so relieved at not having that bill, which thanks to verizon, was always bigger then it should be. To have just one guaranteed solid payment a month until we pay off the disconnect fee's will be so nice. I think if I ever do get a phone in the future it sure as heck won't be with verizon, bloodsucking thieves. Every so often they would take some block off my plan and I would end up with heinous charges for something, most months infact it was off and they never would negotiate it down much back to what it should be.

On another note I actually went to a salon to get my hair cut. Not sure what to think about it, I think I am glad I didn't pay for it and never plan on paying for it. It was nice to have someone that is paid to talk to me and be my friend, I mean who doesn't like that, but at the same time I could have done it myself and had it look just about as good and just cost time not the nearly $50 my Mother in law paid. It was nice of her, but she didn't give me a choice, and so I am not sure how I feel about it. I mentioned I wanted her to take the baby so I could have more time to cut it, a couple hours so I got it right as it was my first time using thinning shears, and she asks Aaron if I would rather go to a salon, he comes to me and I say that I am unsure and would rather just do it myself (this was all last night), he relays that back to her (frikin why don't they just talk to me?), and then the next day she comes home at 2:30, tells me I have a appointment at 3:30 at her salon and that its all paid for so I must go. Like really? First of all where is my choice, and secondly shouldn't I have say in the time? Then when I came back and said thank you she just made comments on the cut and went back to what she was doing. Seriously weird. Weird weird weird weird. I think I am just going to chalk it up to experience and call it a night.

I have a moment while little one checks on her downstairs kingdom and is assured that all is well before bed. Seriously she will be falling asleep all over me and the minute we head downstairs she comes alive and starts running around and playing with different things, never for long, very short attention span of course. Aaron had a random phone interview on the fly today for a hospital in NH and another recruiter email. I am starting to think that maybe I did right in all my job searching, and most likely its because his career doesn't have just one title that the recruiters are out in force. I can't just search for a sales job for example, or customer service because a Industrial Engineer with a backround in electronic medical records has so many different jobs they can do and each company makes there own title. Makes it nice for me, after updating his Monster more we should be set.

I had another awesome end of the world dream last night. This time it happened when I was 17. With how cool these dreams end up I wonder if I am just really don't care deep down inside about civilization and human life or if its my deep belief in a better life after this (with this life flying by as fast as it does) showing through. I would like to think the latter. This time a plague killed most of mankind and I caught wind of it before catching it (though I had to watch my friend die from a distance and all my family died) and headed out to the woods gathering supplies as I went. I emerged from the woods 2.5 years later, about 6months after I saw the last army chopper overhead (they where over clean up). Anyways, little one wants to go to bed. Will have to write more later tonight or tomorrow.

Ok, so now that I had my own little pity party earlier (well deserved in my opinion). I decided that its ok that we don't move now. I could hold out a little while longer, as long as it means I get to move someplace warm. Like California, there are allot of jobs for Aaron there, Oregon some there too. I can deal with a little longer if I get some sun. I realized that I would rather spend a few more weeks or months there if it means a few months or years in a warmer climate, which its colder in the places he got offers....yeah, me grew up in Michigan, me done with the climate - check please! I should have put in too go to Hawaii as a flight attendant, totally should have. I would have gotten it, or I could have held out a couple more months living in the basement of O'Hera in Chicago - although I may have ended up in the hospital it would have landed me a spot in AZ. Then again I could have taken that offer to stay with Lee in AZ and not had to work, oh that mansion calls my name sometimes in my dreams way back in the memories. Well, we all make the life decisions we do for a reason. I have had allot of different paths offered to me. I could have been a dr's wife in the navy, I could have lived in AZ in my own mansion with Lee (dashing, good looking, and loaded), I could have lived in my own house and traveled whenever I wanted too with Tom (well off, great personality and good looking), I could have been a flight attendant in Hawaii, or I could have stayed single and kept my apartment in Lansing and been running my own apartment complex by now just finishing my associates degree. What of all these glamorous options did I chose? None, not a one. I chose love when I found my soul mate, threw my lot in with a dirt poor college boy come what may. Its been beautiful but the beauty has mostly lain in the tragedies we have overcome and the strength our love has gained in overcoming them. I just hope that I find beauty in more then the strength and my child soon. Maybe I was right in choosing this path, maybe I was wrong, but one thing is for sure I have lived with no regrets. I have flown the skies, basked in Hawaii, met some of the most amazing people, had my own place, and much more. I came out of it all with a killer resume just waiting to be utilized, a beautiful daughter and a gorgeous husband. Now if I could only live in a warm place, or at lease be warm for most of the time, lol, a bathtub would be nice too.

Yesterday was a busy busy day. We went to a Christmas party that was a hr away. We woke up late so all in all we where gone for like 6hrs, getting home around 5:50pm. I don't even know where the day went. We got home snacked a bit, watched a movie, snuggled, showered, and then it was like midnight and we overshot bedtime by a few hours. Crazy crazy night. I am so tired. Even been so tired that you can't think straight, feel faint, and wonder when you are just going to fall over and cease to function? Well that is how tired I feel. Too bad the housekeeper comes tomorrow, grumble grumble, I have to get the basement looking all perfect before then so she can wipe down the surfaces and vacuum. I would rather vacuum myself and leave the already clean surfaces alone in exchange for being able to keep things comfortably lived in, instead of killing myself to keep it spotless. Sighs. I guess I am just grumpy because upon further research it looks like neither of the job opportunities Aaron has to pursue are good for him. I was so hoping to be out of here. I really got my hopes up too high. Can't help it, its so hard here. No one likes me, everyone thinks I am a slob and I am the only outsider living here. It is lonely and depressing before we get into the fact that we can't sleep because the basement is so damn cold and the air quality so horrible. I run my air filter all day long and it gets better but not great. Ellowyn is still congested with dry skin, and keeps coughing which keeps all of us from sleeping. The poor dear. I remember posting about just wanting a bathtub to bathe her in, now all I want is a healthy environment to raise her in.

Long long day. Due to Aaron and Ellowyn's combined effort I only got 4hrs of sleep last night, well really this morning. Finally got to sleep at 7am and Ellowyn woke up at 11am....yeah. I can't think straight. However good news. Aaron got another letter from a recruiter. This time from Thomson Reuters for a Healthcare Analyst. They have positions in this state and Cambridge MA. Totally nice that he should have some options. Funny how I couldn't find the opening but they found us. I took Ellowyn to a Night In Bethlahem and she was adorable. They had a professional choir sing while we waited for our tour to start, then we saw the shepards and they told their stories, then the wisemen, the inn keeper, and finally Mary and Joseph. This was all done in different rooms as we progressed past each person with a guide and all the state sets and costumes where way well done. The cute part was her making faces at people behind us during the choir show and dancing to the faster songs (people we happened to know from Grand Blanc came and she was excited to have an audience). Then when it came time for the manger she kept trying as hard as she could to get past me to see baby Jesus (a real live newborn, maybe a few months old max). It was too cute. I finally ended up holding her shirt while she kept trying to walk forward slipping on the straw until she was practically moon walking. Everyone thought she was adorable and I was glad when it was time for the cookies and I could let her roam a bit. We headed to Trader Joes after-wards and she was soo happy to show the friends we took how well she could push her little cart. Thank goodness she is cute, I don't know what I would do days like today if she wasn't.

Its off to bed for me. I am trying to get us on a earlier schedule so we make it to Aaron's graduation next Saturday, and maybe I can get enough sleep to be able to think well enough to plan Aaron's surprise.

Another day chasing little one around the house. Literally chasing. She wanted to run and sing all day.

The job search for similar positions for Aaron turned up nothing, not a single thing unless we move to China or India and learn the language. Not happening in time for the job posts, lol. Good news is that he did well in the interview. Aaron was really excited afterward (a relief as he didn't want me to send in the application in the first place, I had to convince him that there would be no travel), he said that it sounded like his dream job at the perfect company and that he seemed like a perfect fit for the job with his experience. Wouldn't doubt it. They probably don't have many people apply that have worked installing there product as a customer. So, on to the test which he will ace and then onto the in face interview in Madison WI. Lol, I spoke to a friend and she is like 'thats sooo cold (the area), but at least you'll have money and be able to afford heat!', too true. I am way excited about the prospect for being able to afford to eat and be warm, especially the be warm part. I hate being cold and I am always cold here, sooo sooo cold.

Cute baby story. Ellowyn got excited when I started singing Old McDonald to her Dora bike that plays the music. So I asked her what a Doggy says (I had tried to get her to say it a few times with no luck, but didn't work too hard on it) and she says "ooof ooof" with soft f's almost couldn't hear them. So I ask "Ellowyn what does a monkey say?" "oooo ooooo" was her response! I clapped and cheered and she got the biggest smile! I tried to show Aaron but he had to coax her to do it, but when her Grandparents came home she lit up right on que and they where so surprised! We managed to get a few meows out of her too! Soooo cute! She was a happy girl today running around, and talking allot and signing allot! I hope to get a memory stick soon for my camera so I can take some videos. She just gets cuter and cuter and cuter.

So, Aaron having a good chance of getting the job led me to a different research topic today. Wedding bands. Yes he has one, no he won't wear it. I bought him a beautiful celtic woven titanium band with the eternity knot in gold inlaid on top. Its too wide and he only wore it for a couple semesters and then it was spotty at best. It made me so mad! He hates the wide band, makes his finger uncomfortable and the water gets under it and gives him a rash. We obviously can't have him only wearing a ring sometimes at a new job. I absolutely loved spending my night looked at jewelry and ring shopping! I am so happy to be able to give him a ring that he will love and is unique. Lucky for me I found the perfect ring, its 2mm wide with a flat band and frosted finish - titanium just like the original. It totally says "Aaron". I can't wait to get it and be able to present him with a ring that he will be able to proudly wear as a symbol of our love. I am going to plan a special way to give it too him, can't just hand it over. I think I will write a poem and maybe get down on one knee. :) It will be so wonderful.

You know with how fast Ellowyn picks up on things I show her, and realizing how many words she recognizes. She must think I am really dumb or slow to keep going over things as much as I do. Today she made a point to tell me she understood something. I don't remember how, I think I was trying to explain how to stir something and saying it over and over and she this offended little look and I thought she was hurt so I let her lean over - she grabs a spatula and makes the motion looking at me like "duh".

Many good things happened today! Finally!!! Aaron turned in his thesis!!!!! YAAAAAYYYY! He also made good progress on his 10 page paper that he has to get finished for a incomplete and should have it done by Friday!!!! YAAAAAAAYYY! This will be the end of Kettering University for us! Woot woot! I really don't like that school, incase you missed my post on why it sucks soooo bad. I couldn't come up with a worse school in this country even if I tried to make one up as far as what its like to go there or live with someone who does.

I spend my day chasing around a sick little baby who would keep moving until she crashed, if she slowed down she would start to have a hard time breathing because she is way congested poor thing. Didn't let me sleep much last night because she kept waking due to having so much stuff running down the back of her throat. So, I don't really have anything interesting to report. She did do something terribly funny though. We tried to put her down for her nap in Aaron's old room upstairs after Aaron cleared a path and the bed (it is now a storage room), and we found some monkeys on the bed, the kind that have velcro on the hands and really long limbs so they can latch on. There was a big one and a baby one. Aaron put the little one on her arm and I told her a monkey had her, she then started making monkey noises! I haven't played with her and a monkey in a while and so I am surprised she recognized the word, it was only for a few days we played with one and it looked way different then what was now on her arm. So, we put the big on around her waist and she starts jumping around (well bouncing she can't jump but it is really close to jumping) the bed making monkey noises. Aaron starts making some really high pitched and funny and she starts mimicking him! She then gets off the bed (with help), and runs out of the room with a monkey attached to her waist (she had to run with wide legs because the monkeys legs/feet where dragging in-between hers) making shrieking monkey noises that would die down into lower ooo ooo ooooos. She then heard Grandma get home and starts going down the stairs (monkey still attached). We take her down and she runs up to her Grandma and starts flirting, all shy and smiling (monkeys still attached), Grandma asks her "Is that a monkey around your waist", Ellowyn just smiles and starts cutely walking away when Aaron made a ooo oo noise. She then starts making oooo ooo monkey noises in the kitchen and proceeds to run out (I stopper her and moved the monkey to her shoulders with the baby attached to the big one this entire time), and runs around the house with her monkey cape making monkey noises. She is a little 2ft 4in blue eyed doll running around making monkey noises with a monkey cape! The world almost stopped spinning due to her cuteness!

Other then that I spent nap time and any time I could get Grandma or Aaron to take her researching the company Aaron is interviewing with (didn't want him to have to switch tracks from his paper or take time from it), the city its in, and any other information that could help him. Trying to get a feel for the city, the culture, the company, cost of living, what their interviews are like, and what the pay is. So far so good! Aaron meets their requirements and has experience working for one of their customers with their software. Hopefully all will go well. Thankfully it gave me a few ideas of where to apply. Tomorrow will be spend finding and applying for jobs at any major computer, software company, hospital software company, and local hospital IT departments. Wish me luck, and send mojo our way! I need out of this basement!!!

Thankfully Ellowyn went down very easily, she ate while trying to put on her shoe (her latest endeavor of co-ordination now that she mastered unscrewing the doorknobs of the china cabinets - did I mention she is only 14months old?), and then wanted to nurse and fell asleep pretty much right away.

So, back to what I was saying about obsessions. I feel enriched by having something I am driven to do. I would normally gain a skill or better one I already have (playing the piano, making new clothes out of old ones, or learning the violin), but those require money. I don't have a piano, can't afford to fix my violin or get lessons, and can't afford a sewing machine. So instead I try and learn something. I feel very good about how to raise a family now that I am through the first season of 17 and counting, so that obsession has died down especially with my tv time being limited. So, designing my future house is something I feel is useful, exciting, and the fact that it will help us when we build it is pretty awesome. Once I have the design down more I am going to learn more about how to actually build them, figure out where to get the discounted materials (besides habitat for humanity stores), price it out, and then build a time-line for project completion based off of a estimate of Aaron's salary once he gets work. This became much more exciting after I found out that he got a interview!!!!!! So, as you can see its a good application of my brain and skills I wouldn't use otherwise if I didn't plan and re-plan life and learn about whatever strikes my fancy. This has saved me allot of money as it is how I learned to make soap, found out about community supported agriculture (csa), found a good csa to subscribe too, found the best tools for finding Aaron a job, found out how to remake clothes from goodwill to look like new, narrowed down my degree options, found a school that I could take classes for said degree options online, figured out how to pay for said school, and many many more things. I wonder if Aaron spent more time like I do and less time gaming if we would turn into this amazing super efficient unstoppable couple, or if we would be so nuts that we would drive each other over the brink of insanity. Probably brink of insanity.

Other good news, I finally got a number for a funeral director who is willing to talk to me! I am anxious and nervous as its his cell phone and he sounds really happy to answer all of my questions. I keep telling myself that I can do this! I haven't been able to go to school for a long time and last time I was there I had to drop out of two semesters in a row due to health, so its a big thing to go back. I think I have picked the right field though, to becoming a mortician. Ultimately only time will tell though.

Ah, today I have fully realized my new obsession. Aaron thinks I am crazy for having obessions, and I think he is crazy to think that I can go through life without them. Really if I don't have something to apply my mind to it is going to become mush. I am a natural Mom, totally connect with my daughter and she is coming up on milestones earlier then normal so no need to read up there, so what else am I going to do with my brain? So, these little obessions give me something to plug into, think about, analyze, and hopefully benefit from :) So, my latest obession is the small house movement, as you may have guessed from last night :) Totally in love with the idea of being able to design my own home, twice! That and being able to keep the little one as a in-laws cabin will be great for both me and the in-laws when they come to visit to see the babies. I like babies I have decided, fully used to the no sleep and want as many as I can afford and handle health wise, so if I can get my back fixed and make it rich watch out world! I figure it only helps with any future world domination plans, j/k.
More later, little one needs to go to bed. I thought I had more time, but then again I didn't look at the clock before I sat to write. I am just finishing up the last few minutes of reprieve that my Mother in law offered by taking the baby. These breaks are few and far in-between, so I definitely lived it up! Lol, with being a tired Mom (we all have colds, yuck) that meant actually getting to watch tv and use the computer un-interupted.

Today is a day of many headaches, literally and figuratively. As soon as we got up we had people come over. I didn't bother hiding that it was 11am and we where just having breakfast, the headache there came from Ellowyn. She has decided that she needed to act like she was on a sugar rush all day and constantly run to get into things. She has started to thrive on negative attention me thinks, me thinks it is because of that stooopidddd!!!! Christmas tree. Again, in case you didn't catch it I am not a fan of the holidays. They put plastic ornaments on her level, but they get on her case for taking them off, or turning off the tv, or eating the dogs food, and allot of other things. So, all during my visit of new peoples I had just met at church yesterday (lovely people, really enjoyable) Ellowyn decided to try for negative attention. It continued all day, which resulted in a real headache (probably from lack of food, hard to eat and keep up with her), which headache worsened when I fell down the stairs with her when I was taking her to bed. Can't sleep now, lucky for you this means I have had more time to look up stuff and actually might have something interesting to say!

So, as you now by now my new obsession is with Netflix and the tv show 17 and Counting of the Duggard family. I went onto their website and found that they pay for everything with cash, including they built there 9,000sq ft house with cash. This really intrigued me when I saw Jim Bob (love the name) asking how people could live with debt because they will pay 10-15% more then he will. I always knew that was true but never really thought about it because we always here that a mortgage is "good debt". It only took me a second to realize how rediculous this sounds, really its "good" to owe someone money and have to pay interest on it plus loan origination fee's plus house inspection fees plus fees and more and more fees to get a mortgage. I started thinking about it and realized that this nation wasn't built and didn't become prosperous off of borrowing money to do things and then expecting that thing to be sucessful, this is a relatively new phenonemon in this nation and since it became widespread our economy has slowly been tanking. How much better would this nation be if it had never taken on debt? Where did this come from? I think it probably was around ww2 when everyone was coming home from war at the same time and had jobs but needed housing, and probably spread into other facets of life as it became easier and easier to owe money. Our parents became spoiled (I am in my 20's), and now we are paying for it and our children will be as well. So, how would one do it exactly? I don't exactly know, I am still figuring all the details out but I found a few that are the beginning of my road map to not ever taking out a loan. Micro houses are a new trend, makes sense. People used to build log cabins on land they bought and live in those until they could afford a real house unless they inherited one (referencing little house on the prairie and other historic novels that where popular when I was a child). One can build a cabin, or cottage for $10-30k. Its small but extremely energy efficient.

So, my plan:
I am going to continue making my own soaps and shopping at Trader Joes so I can eat and live cheaply. Cell phone is turning off on the 13th. Car insurance is going down in coverage and we will just be extremely cautious drivers. Clothing (except pants) will continue to come from the thrift store and be remade to look new (I sew and like to create). When Aaron gets a job we will move close to work to cut on gas and get a cheep but not hole in the wall apartment for a year. We will save money and start looking for property in the area for cheap, hopefully find some foreclosed property or someone looking to sell off extra land. We will then start to build by hand with the help of brothers as we can get it, a micro house style cottage. I figure all in all by designing it to fit my needs and whims we will be able to cut the kitchen down to nill and make the bathroom mostly shower/tub with a toilet and sink squished in. This will leave the rest for a huge living area with the upstairs being a loft bedrooms set up with three rooms (walls in-between I need privacy). If I build the clothing cubbord with a place to hang nice clothes into the walls, that leaves only needing a bed in the room and a small shelf for a night stand type thing with space for the shoes underneath. I think I could make it feel pretty roomy doing this and end up with 600-800 sq ft but have it feel much bigger thanks to not wasting space. I will have to do research on how to make it energy efficient and make the electricity work without being on the grid, but people are doing it so I know it can be done. This was by the end of our lease that first year we should have our own house to stay in that won't cost really anything utility wise because we will be off the grid, or using very little from it if we decide to be on it. Then we can just save save save save until we have enough to build a house. This will eliminate all the extra utilties and expenses that come with renting (it is always cheaper to buy vrs rent), and all the fee's and interest that comes with buying a house. Also if everything goes kaput and we end up jobless again we will not have to move back in with the inlaws because we will be able to garden more and use our house savings to live off of until we find work again. This feels amazing just writing about it. Thinking about not ever having the stress of not being able to make rent or a house payment, of always having a place to live unless there is a natural disaster, and being able to have money in the bank instead of living paycheck to paycheck. I watched my parents live paycheck to paycheck and now they can't sell there house. Seriously though who would buy it? Thats the problem with houses they get old and then no one wants them so they just build somewhere else, and take up more forest which hurts the ecosystem even more. Seriously where are we going to be able to hunt or go to breath if this keeps up!? I love taking walks in the woods, but the farms destroyed most of what Michigan had and now the farms are being turned into housing complexes and the old houses sit vacant or with residents will be vacating within the next 10years except for the select few that will be kept as historical houses. Really!? I am so glad that so many people now are seeing the foolishness in this and looking towards more sustainable options. I think we should all look into them really. I would much rather have a new little cottage and then be able to build a nice new house then to spend my hard earned dollars on a old house that is just getting older while I try to pay the fee's and interest I agreed to so I could have it. Sounds much better.
Moving on down my plan I would hope that by living frugally until we are comfortable with our savings and we have a plan that will for sure make it so we can retire and help our children that we will then be able to get the nice things that we would have not paid attention too during this process. I wouldn't plan to go completely without. Once we have our little house I would hope that we would have enough work to provide our needs and extra so we could save but also vacation and have a few extra's here and there. Every retiree I have spoke to lately have all said that by the time they retired they where too and achy to enjoy the vacations and experiences they thought they would have in retirement. So, logic dictates to enjoy life now by taking what experiences and vacations one can, so as to not leave anything to chance and be able to truly say that I lived life to its fullest. This way if it works out that I can travel after I retire, well good for me I will have had double the vacations I would have gotten if I would have just waited until then :-) Reminds me of one of my favorite quotes, don't remember who its from but they said that they wanted to show up to the pearly gates of heaven with tires squealing and rubber burning in there convertible to step out covered in little children smudges from playing with grandchildren and helping little ones with lunch, hair a mess, and screaming "wooohooo what a ride!"

Sadly today a true tragedy occurred. You see after having a bad headache and bloating due to finding out the hard way that Digorno pizza's have too much sodium in them for my taste I went to find true comfort in a home made chocolate milkshake - my one true comfort in times like this. After getting all the ice cream scooped out and my heart and mind set on this wonderful treat, I couldn't find the chocolate sauce. I searched high and low, and then even lower.....it was in the trash can. No Aaron didn't play some cruel joke and put it there. It was Ellowyn. I know like how can a one year old get into the fridge, well this is where it becomes partially my fault. When I need to pee in peace or am worried that someone is going to come downstairs while I am peeing with the bathroom door open, or am otherwise needing a moment to finish something I let Ellowyn have a extra moment of playing in the refrigerator while I quickly finish my business. Well, one of those times I thought I might have heard a plop into the trash can and quickly dismissed it for footsteps upstairs, sadly here ended the short life of my chocolate sauce. This wasn't just any chocolate sauce it was the Trader Joe's Organic Midnight Moo, the best tasting closest to real sauce I have ever tasted due to just being chocolate sugar and cream. Sighs. Aaron got on my case for considering it a tragety when real people die every day and sometimes in mass. I just had to point out that I have no emotional connection to these people and I do have emotional connection to my chocolate sauce due to my longing for it, and therefore I didn't see his point. Shallow? I think not, you see I used to care and be sad when bad things happened and I saw it on the news, but then it started taking up way to much energy and causing me to have this constant dismal view of the world due to all the bad that happens. So, now I just say - too bad it sucks to be you - or me whoever the real tragety is happening too (yes I have also said that about personal losses), and now save my emotions for controllable losses like chocolate sauce (its always easy to get back and never turns its back on you). Life is soo much easier this way. Laugh if you must, I find it true.

Other then that today was a pretty good day. Met some cool people at church and had Ellowyn take herself off my hands playing with the people and children at church. Then we finished out the evening with a epic movie - Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy. For Christmas I will have to rent that from the library and inform Aaron that his present to me - if he so chooses to give it - is the time to read the book. As of now I have no such time. Keeping this place spotless with Ellowyn running around like crazy takes all the time that I have. I think that might actually be the best Christmas gift I have gotten.

Sighs. Thanksgiving. I actually had a few things to be grateful for. We spend all of Wednesday at Aaron's friends house. This friend has a awesome girlfriend with a great little six year old and some of the best parents I have ever met. It was like a breath of fresh air to just be able to hang out, eat a good meal without having to chase Ellowyn, and get honest candid advice from an older couple who I could tell really cared about us. Ellowyn also loved having so much attention, and Paula read her stories, and Noah (the other kid) to watch and follow. It was so lovely. Then we got home and the stress of the holidays hit, I mean seriously give me a break! So I hid in the basement for the rest of the night watching Astro Boy (great movie). Thanksgiving itself was pretty depressing. We spend Friday night at the same friends house. Aaron went to the lan Halo Reach party in the basement and I blissfully settled into watching happy feet while Elllowyn wandered about, played with the tupper ware, chased the cats, played with the cats with Paula (the mom), was read stories by Paula, and played with by John (the Dad). It was soooo nice, no stress total chilaxing. If only I could come up with reasons to go over there often, sadly the friend goes back to school today. As it is I am grateful for the break.

I do have a new fasination though. We got Netflix working on the wii and found that Ellowyn will not let me watch more then a few minutes at a time, so watching movies on it was out (astro boy ended up being a constant battle of keeping her entertained). So, of nessesity I had to find a tv show to watch. I ended up deciding upon 17 and counting, the first season of the Duggard family show. I am totally hooked. For being someone who is against the reality tv craze I am humbled to say that I am honestly grateful for this show. I do not have a great example to follow, and so to be able to see a good family who did homeschooling the right way with good values and peace and harmony and how they live there lives is really wonderful. I just hope Netflix has 7th Heaven, because for some reason watching shows about good family makes me happy. Its like a drug, something to make me feel better and tell me that I too can have a happy family and give me some pointers to help. Its like this big banner that says "you too can have a good family - even if yours had problems". Its funny because I didn't even know how much I needed this until after I started watching it. Its funny how sometimes you don't even know what is stressing you out entirely until you find solutions. I was able to be so much happier and carefree with Ellowyn and she totally loved it, I guess I just needed that hope. That hope that says that everything can work out and that little glimpse of what life can be like when lived properly.

One last little note about going cell phone less. Verizon wouldn't let me shut mine off before the beginning of the next billing cycle. So, it shuts off on the 13th of December. I don't think I will miss it. I already have pretty much stopped using it and don't even know where it is half of the time.

Just a quick post. I am stealing time away from getting ready to go see friends we never get to see, well Aaron's friend. The holidays will do that too you, biggest time sucking waste of time. Sorry, guess I should have warned you first that I really don't like the holidays.

Just a few intestesting stories. First I had a nice success Monday. Went shopping and found a pair of pants that fit perfectly, the best part - they are a size 4! woot woot! Now if only this wasn't achieved due to large amounts of stress, which leads to not eating, and a one year old to chase after. :/ Bitter sweet.

I have been having weird dreams lately. Night before last I was in a different reality and ended up starting to go after a Chinese guy that looked just like Aaron after my fiance cheated on me with my best friend and I caught them. Kinda wonder if life would have been like that if I had gone to a university like I did in the dream. Last night I kept on getting stuck in airports but never being able to get to my plane while Aaron keep leaving me behind because I couldn't get there. This is my restless soul dream, totally makes me crave flying. Wish to heaven that the airlines weren't so corrupt and that I would have been paid enough as a flight attendant to survive so I could have kept that job. I would have had a nice line by now (line = guaranteed schedule). Makes me miss flying terribly. I actually started thinking about trying to find someone to sponsor me taking lessons in exchange for a contract, or a scholarship for a minority (not many females pilots), so I can fly freight like I dreamed I would for many many years. Who knows, maybe it will happen someday. If only the price of gas wasn't so high, then I would be able to afford to pay for that part of the lessons (which fasfa doesn't cover). I just need to meet the right people.

Writing last not was just not going to happen. Lets just say that my day came to a close with Ellowyn showing us that she wasn't feeling well.

I spent a good deal of time yesterday trying to come up with a way to effectively deal with the two face people in life, as I am especially irritated that I have to deal with one regularly. I thought of all the possibilities morally just and otherwise as I wasn't plotting as much as I was trying to figure out what would truly make the most miserable in exchange for them trying to make others miserable and having amazingly huge egos. I realized after much thought that the best way to deal with them is simply following the golden rule which has been around for centuries. When I explained why to the missionaries who came over last night they where like "what do you know God was right, who would have thought", lol. Really though think about it. Two facers are completely bent on manipulating and getting there way, they think they are above everyone else and if they are manipulated in anyway they just either blame it on a life circumstance (like I would have saw that coming if:___) or take it as a challenge to try even harder to manipulate to prove their superiority. I find them to be some of the most despicable people on the planet as they are neither bad no good but both at different times and always try to paint themselves as good even though mostly they are not. So, why then is the golden rule the best way? Because no manipulator see's themselves as truly bad, just making the world a better place by controlling it to what they see as best, and asserting themselves in every way as alpha. So, by ignoring their tricks and just being the best person one can be when they are around not only can they not manipulate you and you end up being a weird constant that will drive them insane by not being controlable, but you will also be shining this great big light of goodness that will be such a contrast to the darkness a two facer brings that they will have to see (even if they refuse to acknowledge it) for at least a moment how dark they are, then they will have that short thought about being bad, and if they have those thoughts enough it will start to unravel them. For instance I know one that constantly complains about dinner and the house being out of order, and then tries to plant thoughts in peoples heads that I am crazy while hunnying up to me to make me think he is my best friend. So, I avoid him so he can't get any thoughts that he is close to me and knows I am on to his game. I always compliment on dinner, thanks and speak out every time he criticizes - for two reasons so he looks like a butt and has to see that he does to everyone else too, and even if that fails and he thinks he can paint me as a kiss up then he still will have lost control of the mood of the table. I keep the house to my order and am constantly loving and cheerful enough to the other residents that he gains no win in getting his order and his trying to paint me as a crazy loses its hold as I will be acting in a constant caring manor to everyone. This way he loses control while I do not lose any credibility and have no bad karma coming to bite me later. I really strongly dislike this specific individual but in the end he will not change his ways, and this way he has to realize that he isn't good - even if for a moment and that will be able to haunt him during his low moments for the rest of his life, and that is better then any act of outward hate (like putting dog food in his car wet so it smells like dog, or laxatives in his food). As much fun as it might have been to mess with him in other ways, I would rather haunt him for the rest of his life. You may think this is a horribly synical reason to follow the golden rule and do unto others as I want done to myself - but it has a positive side effect in that it will bring light to a very bad situation. Don't worry I will pray for him too. I don't want anyone to live the miserable lonely life he is setting himself up for and would rather that he change, and so I will do my best to help him change :)

As for today its just been a day of taking care of a sick child and finishing moving in. By the time I am done there won't be a thing out of place, thankfully, and I will finally have the spotless kind of place that looks slightly lived in that I like to have. After a day like today (both Ellowyn and Aaron being extremely grumpy, feeling under the weather myself but still having to clean thanks to fricken thanksgiving - dislike holidays), I definitely deserve every calorie of the humongous brownie ice cream sundae I am about to go make. The best legal high ever is a sugar buzz after all :)

No the little one didn't stay up late, she fell asleep at 8:20pm, yes I shouldn't have stayed up to watch the newest Star Trek movie. In all seriousness though, I really really liked the movie. It is now resting in its place amongst my beloved Star Trek movies. I hadn't seen it for fear that it would tarnish my fondness for good ol James T Kirk movies and Spock, and am glad to report the contrary. Reminds me that I need to que up Dr. Who on Netflix, and get Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy (book) from the library. All these things that I will enjoy doing once life settles down - do I hear laughing? Oh you don't believe that my life will ever settle down? Well you are probably right. The problem being I have always been busy or pushing myself to achieve something and wonder if I can do anything different then what I know. Point in case, I am going back to school instead of being solely a stay at home Mom, and infact only did that without working with no moving involved for just a few short months. You see I believe in bettering myself continually, thank God Aaron is a goof ball (literally Thank You God), otherwise I don't know if my natural tenancy to push myself to succeed and strive to great heights would have killed me yet, or at least given me more gray hairs (I only have two, yes you can be jealous if you have more) - and seeing as how I cannot dye my hair due to my chlorine sensitivity I can't have any of those.

Today was actually a pretty darn good day. Ellowyn actually slept last night, 7.5hrs in a row and then another 4 leaving me with a 6 hr stretch I haven't seen in awhile. I felt like a new person having actually gotten sleep. I tried to ruff house with her all morning, but she was more intent on being curious and figuring things out. I did get some laughs and chases, but could only capture her attention for long if I had something to show her how to do. We went shopping in which she acted like the queen of the store, appropriately seeing as how people did end up treating her like she was - so why would she think different. Waving to everyone from the cart like it was her carriage after she had careful surveyed her kingdom. I found the books I was looking for at the dollar store which was also a awesome find. Almost as awesome that Aaron's thesis cleared his adviser and as long as the science prof gives her all clear (it was already checked by a physics major so I don't see it not clearing), then Aaron will be done with his thesis!!! yay!!! Tomorrow he gets to write the rest of a 10page paper and then his undergrad career is over! Woot!!

I did of course save the best story of the day for last. While watching the movie Aaron cuddled Joy per normal (he always cuddles her while watching a movie if I am otherwise occupied), and after playing with Ellowyn for awhile I went over and sat on Aaron (more or less half laid on him so I didn't disturb the dog, heaven knows she's been through enough lately she deserved to relax). It took less then a minute for Ellowyn to follow and want up on my lap to get to the doggy. She starts gently petting Joy while Joy quietly growls at her - its like there ritual that normally then escelates to hard hit like petting and Joy. This time was different, after Ellowyn gentle pets her for a moment she tenderly leaves one hand on the side of Joy's head, leans in, and gently kisses her on the side of the nose. Joy looks startled and then lovingly looks at Ellowyn and kisses her on the lips, (everyone was looking at the baby at this point after Aaron exclaimed that she kissed Joy) to which Ellowyn then again gently leans in and kisses the dog right on the lips. It was perfect like she had kissed hundreds of times when in reality I have only gotten two and Aaron only one and that is all she has ever given before. My Mother in law cries out in shock and says "what about me?" (she has yet to get one), Ellowyn is sitting there laughing now while the rooms gazes turn back to the screen because something pivotal is happening when I hear another kiss and see Ellowyn bend down and kiss Joy a third time on the side of the neck. Did I mention that Joy is a dog? The dog has now gotten as many kisses as the rest of us combined, and Ellowyn proved (and found it funny aparently to do so) that she does not only know how to kiss but also understands the concept and withholds them purposely for her own reasons. I have the best little girl! That was the most amazing way to prove a point, make a show, and have everything clear without using a single word. I wonder what she thinks of her Grandma when Grandma would make a show begging for a kiss as if Ellowyn didn't understand what she was asking, I wonder if Ellowyn was like "wow, that's stupid" or "wow good effort but no". Probably none of the above. I wonder if she even thinks in words yet or just concepts and feelings. I must believe its concepts and feelings because she is still asking for words for things. She is totally my child :) I am just glad that I innately knew she knew how to kiss and would just ask for them not beg :) She did give me one when I was really sad once, and the first time was during a outpouring of love from me. Such a wonderful little wonder.

Thankfully little one fell alseep early today. Heaven knows she deserved it. After running around and creating havoc all day I go downstairs to eat leaving her in the care of her father. 20mins later he is leaving her outside of the bathroom door telling me she is wet and goes back upstairs. I had heard this of course because brother in law came home and found her, and loudly told Aaron what he found. Turns out the sneaky little sweetheart had been so quiet playing in the dogs water dish, and re-arranging the dog crates that Aaron thought I must have taken her downstairs with me. The funny part of the story is that she knocks on the bathroom door several times and several times I say "hi sweetheart", so the last time she knocks she knocks and then says "hi sweatwhat" So cute, she tried so heard to mimic sweetheart and got pretty close :) It made my entire day! She is getting into the stage where she is too confident in her movements and bonking her head allot, which is what prompted the early bedtime in part. After giving her head a real good knock she curled up in my arms for comfort and nursed, only to get tired and fall asleep doing so. I had checked her for concussions so no problem there, and it was late enough, 9:30 and she was going going going up until she hit her head. It was cute what she was trying to do when she did it. She was running with a couch pillow clutched to her chest (perfect size as it covers her chest down to mid calf) and then fell onto it (purposely of course for the fun of running and falling onto a pillow, can't say I haven't been guilty of it), but the tragedy came when she fell too close to the couch and hit her head on the solid wood frame of the couch. We got a bit of time at home as just a family while brother in law was at school and inlaws where out looking at cars, so naturally I start a tickle war with Aaron. Ellowyn laughed with me the whole time, but only when I got tickled never when she got tickled :) After this all dies down we end up in the computer room and I was tired and slouching comfortably leaving my stomach exposed when Ellowyn walks up to me and wants to be held, so I pick her up and she then proceeds to blow raspberries on my stomach!! She did it and I laughed so hard that she had to stop mid breath and look up at me smiling and laughing with me. The best part is her little dimples and belly laugh. She continued to blow raspberries on my stomach until Aaron picked her up and blew one on her to "show her how its done", sadly she then lost interest and went toddling out of the room. I don't know what is sweeter - her calling me sweetheart, or falling asleep in my arms while nursing and cuddling, or blowing raspberries on me. I am completely convinced now that I have the rights to one of (if not the) the cutest sweetest little angel in the world.

Another bright spot came to my day when someone emailed me a job posting for holiday help working from home answering calls for Harry and David's (a expensive fruit gift service). I have the qualifications, as I worked a call center job from home while on bed rest with Ellowyn, so I am pretty hopeful that I get it. It would be soooo nice. $9 a hour, but at home so I can watch over whoever is watching Ellowyn and take my breaks snuggling her. It would really help our budget as Aaron hasn't been working enough and we can't stop bills like car insurance from coming. Hopefully it works out that Aaron is the one that gets a job soon, but I would be glad to work in the mean time to make it easier to wait. He had a job that he was referred to by someone from church that he qualifies for, so I have some hope that he may get a interview. Reminds me of "Fun with Dick and Jane", in that he hasn't even been getting interviews and there is no guarantee anymore. Although I would never take to petty crime like they did, I would hope if I ever did in another life it would be done as stylishly as them.

Aaron is almost done with his Thesis!!!! Yay!!!! Cursed Kettering is about to relinquish its hold on my husband and leave him a free man!!!! *does happy dance* Just have to hear back from a prof man to get final approval, and then once he's finished a 10page paper (has 5 pages left) then he will be done with school for the first time in nearly 20years!! Then it is my turn to go back to school for the first time in 6 years, lol. I just hope Aaron gets a job that justifies him taking a few years off of school while he gets work experience. Work experience seems to be the key anymore as I seem to have a easier time being qualified for positions due to my years of experience, while he always falls a bit short. Either way I feel it totally calls for a brownie ice cream sundae party tomorrow. Totally justified.

My brain is mush. Sorry dear readers, but it is true. I will still try to distill my knowledge, funny stories, and random facts.
Five minutes, and still nothing....not a good sign.
Ellowyn woke up, oh well. I guess I will have to try again later.
Peace

Today was a day of good news. I got a email back from Sister (mrs.) Pollock, Sister (missionary) Pollocks Mom and she is totally going to give me the hook up! She knows two funeral directors and will give me their phone numbers. I am way excited. She thinks they will be more then happy to talk to me! Yay for connections! I found out last night that I should be able to start going to St. Petersburg College (they offer classes online for Funeral Sciences and are a normal community college in FL) in January and all the courses I need, including pre-reqs are offered online. Woot woot.

On another note I have come to a new pondering. Kinda weird, but bathrooms. Seriously why is the men's room gross. I used one today (single stall in Trader Joes) and it was like puke ville compared to the women's. My question is 'Do men really not care about bathroom cleanliness or have they been expected not to care to stores don't have to clean as much, or are they really naturally that much dirty, or are they programmed to not care due to what society says, or do they really just not notice?'. I mean really I could understand a little dirtier, but it was totally unkept even as far as repair. Weird. I mean really weird.

Sorry to be so neglectful lately. I have one minor problem you see, its called sleep - or lack there of. I normally write in here during nap time or after she goes to sleep, but I have been falling asleep with her as of late. You know its starting to get too me, this whole lack of sleep thing. Its been over a year and a half since I had a full 8hrs in a row. I've been lucky and gotten six on occasion, but not 8. I wonder if there are any sleep deprivation studies I can volunteer for, maybe even a paying one. I have thought many times about volunteering for medical studies that offer incentives, but that whole breast feeding thing kinda puts a slight strain on that thought.

On a brighter note little one is picking up words like no tomorrow now. Last night the dogs where crowding her while she ate, and I told them to back off - she then walks towards them and says "HEY Sit!", clear as day! Lol! Her first phrase isn't something cute or cuddly, nope its "Hey Sit!", lol so my child! Today she was sleepy early and wanting a nap, so when I told her to say night night to Grandma, she waves bye bye and says "nap". This is surely a child who know what she wants!! Won't kiss anyone (I have only gotten two kisses), will only snuggle when tired, but boy oh boy when she doesn't think you are getting it she will tell you what she wants! I so look forward to taking her to bookstores this week (every day after nap time) until I find the flash card book I am looking for. She could care less about stories now (stopped wanting them after she started crawling), she wants something that does something or where she learns something, so I hope some short stories with real pictures and a flash card book will do the trick. After all when she gets bored, she gets cranky! This child isn't one to want to be sat infront of a tv or other entertainment, she wants action (chase her), learning (teach her how to count), or something that does something (is in love with this Frankenstien doll that dances while it sings "Monster Mash").

We had a bit of a celebration last night, Aaron finished his thesis and sent it in to his professor for a final review before submital! Its kind of funny but that happening made him relax so much more. He was acting allot like his old self this weekend, but after finishing his thesis he was totally even more like his old self! He took the baby without complaint and played with her for hours while she squealed and laughed. She loved it so much that at bed time instead of wanting Mama she called for her Daddy and flirted with him (sand Daddy, Da da da da da, called for him - anything she could say to call him to play with her), until he gave in. This happened about three times before she ended up in our bed playing with Aaron until she fell asleep in his arms :) Only to stir and want her bed which upon reaching she pretty quickly fell back to sleep. :) It was amazing being warm again before I fell asleep because I was able to stay under covers for once. sighs, if only I could be warm every night, or all the time even.

Found something interesting online today. Couchsurfing.org. Totally made me wish I was 22 again, and able to travel. I did get to see allot of places, but would have been able to see so much more with a service like that. It is so awesome the things we can enjoy thanks to the internet.

Yes I know its late. I took a journey today that resulted in 3 hrs 20 min of driving, and coming home late so the baby could sleep on the way. Then joy of all joys after I get home, get her showered. me showered, her fed and put to sleep, myself fed, and finally am totally ready to curl into bed at 1am I walk into my room full of anticipation only to find it reeks to high heaven. sighs. So, now I take my viligance by the door waiting for it to air out after having located and removed the smell. Again being in the basement I can't just leave my door open because there are no blinds on some of the window, and we would end up being blinded by the sun streaming into our room bright and early! So, rather then forfeit several hours of sleep by being woken up early I get to sacrifice more like 30min so the room can air out, air cleaner can run, and my lil one can sleep safe tonight. She is my main concern of course. She is growing and starting to teeth hard core, which only make me all the more concerned for her complete comfort and sleep. She already started to have bad problems today with pain, poor dear. Getting new teeth in never was fun. It was really cute how she used them to do something she couldn't have done before today. I asked that she be given a apple, and instead of slices like I expected she got a whole apple. So she proceeded to bite it, grin out of the pleasure of the tangy taste and juice running down her chubby wonderful chin and then throw it. She squealed and ran after it throwing it again and again like it was a edible ball that tasted like candy. She ended up going through four apples all in all, biting it until it wasn't clean from the floor and had to be replaced. Too cute. oy veh driving long distances is not for me, totally not. I am just so grateful I was able to get some help with my achy self from a friend before I left, my knee was killing me as was my back and head from riding so long in the PT Cruiser - which despite its name was not actually made to be comfortable for cruising - infact it more closely resembles torture for someone of my size. Chrysler definitely lost any future customer in me, lol I'd probably see the symble and run just from the memory.
haha, the one problem with writing at 1:30am is that I can't think. I am sitting here staring at the page with my brain going blank, it seems to want to shut off and I can't get it too agree to stay running for a bit longer. Ah, well - I think it wins. I am turning it off for the night, and the remainder of my vigilance at the door.